Then and Now

So this is what I've been doing for the last year:

Juggle every day
Give up refined sugar
Exercise every day
Write something creative every day
Meditate every day
Cut down on TV and Facebook every day

Write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days

Give up on gossiping, bitching, moaning and criticizing for thirty day.

Practice violin every day.

Spend only eighty pounds in thirty days

Read every day

Take a photos and keep a diary every day

Ultimate challenge (combining all my favourite challenges)

That's it! That's this year summed up in thirteen different 30 day challenges. Pretty awesome. It's been a few weeks now since I finished my last challenge, and I must say it's quite strange not having a challenge on at the moment. But it has been perfectly timed as now Uni is over and I've been having a little bit of a holiday!

Before properly abandoning this blog, I just wanted to do one last post about how much this year has meant to me, and how much good has come from it. I think deciding to do this was perhaps one of the best decisions of my life, it's led to a lot of positive changes! When I think of the person I was and the way I felt about myself a year ago and then think of who I am now, well there are a lot of differences! Here are a few:

Achieving My Goals

Then

All talk and no walk. I knew I had talents but I wasn't doing anything to utilize them. I was dreaming of all the things I might one day do, but wasn't attempting to do any of them.

Now

I feel like I have taken some giant leaps forward this year, mostly within my writing. Not only have I managed to keep up this blog, but I've also got two notebooks full of poetry, some of which I perform now and again, and I wrote 36000 words of a novel. Sure, most of those words were a load of crap, but hey, that's a massive step closer to that dream than I was before! I'm also writing for the online publication The New Female now, which I know I wouldn't have been doing if I hadn't have flexed my writing muscles in this blog! I feel like writing isn't something I think about any more, it's something I do. I am a writer. It's even on my business cards.

But even outside of writing, I have taught myself this year that I can do pretty much anything if I put my mind to it! I learned how to juggle for god's sake! And that knowledge has given me so much power: I am a go getting gal and I love it.

Health (Body and Mind)
Then

Pretty unhealthy eating habits, swinging from extreme diet to biscuit binge, and ultimately feeling pretty shitty about my body. Quite a few unexplained mood swings, and a general feeling of blue about life.

Now

My first few challenges kick-started my love for good nutrition and exercise. I am now in my sixth month of no sugar, and feeling a lot fitter! Yes, I did lose a bit of weight this year, but that's not actually the biggest benefit. My body has changed a little bit, but my attitude to my body has changed a lot. My first priority is health, not my dress size. In fact, recently I have gained a bit of weight and it's really not bothering me, because I feel great on the inside. A healthy body means a happy head, this happy head really aint got time for body shaming any more. I can't say that I am super healthy all the time, but I have to say, when I do slip into a bit of a junk food phase, it's not as satisfying any more. I begin to crave spinach. Seriously, I treated myself to a loaf of bread the other week and I actually had to force myself to get through it. I never thought that I, worshiper of toast, would ever say that.

Meditation and reading have also helped me so much! I love that balanced feeling I get from meditating, and I feel so much better now that I put more energy into reading, and other head healthy activities, rather than watching the TV all the time. It's very easy to let your mind slip back into a restless place, but now that I know what it's like to have it at peace, I am always striving for it.

So much balance. So much awesome.

Confidence

Then

Outwardly, I had a lot of confidence, but really I was pretty insecure. I didn't feel like I knew myself very well, or even liked myself that much. I knew I was a good person, but I still didn't put a lot of value of myself.

Now

I love myself. And I'm not ashamed to say it. Self love is awesome! I feel so assured of who I am, what I want, and what makes me happy. Through these challenges, I've figured all of that out, and I can treat myself with the love that everyone deserves. I am a stronger person because of it. Sure, I still have my insecurities, but I also have the ability to tell myself that that's ok. I fuck up sometimes, but I have the ability to forgive myself. I have been treating myself with utter love, and as a result: I think I'm pretty great.

Life Satisfaction

Then

Bored. I was bored! I loved my course and I loved my friends, but I didn't really feel like I had much else going for me. No interests or hobbies, no achievements outside of uni. I felt bored with life and also bored at myself. I felt like a boring person. I spent most of my spare time watching TV and letting the world slip by.

Now

What do I do in my spare time? Let's see... I read, I write, I juggle, I work out, I practice my violin, I meditate. That's a pretty satisfying list of hobbies, and they have come directly out of my challenges. But some other things have come out of them too. I'm always giving myself new projects to do now. I plan a lot more trips and activities than I used to. I go outside a lot more. When I'm bored, I find something interesting to do. I strive to achieve something every day. I have had a total attitude adjustment! Sure, every now and then I will veg out in front of the TV, but pretty soon I get tired of that. I can't sit and twiddle my thumbs the way I used to. I am officially a proactive person.

And this is all I really wanted. I wanted to give myself a kick up the bum and change my life for the better: and that's exactly what I've done. And that's the best part: I did all of this. Anything good to have come out of this year is down to me. I brought all of this positivity in my life. I brought happiness to myself. And knowing that just makes me feel like a superhero (hence all the self love I mentioned earlier)


There's one last thing I want to mention. One more amazing thing to come out of this year. When I started this, I was hoping to do myself some good and maybe give my friends something fun to read. What I wasn't expecting was to have a whole bunch of people getting in touch with me to tell me that they've been inspired by what I've been doing, and that it's given them a kick up the bum too! Some people have even told me that they've started doing their own challenges.

To know that all of this has not only done me the world of good, but has also had a positive effect on other peoples lives... That's a truly amazing feeling.




Quite rightly, I'm very proud of all I have achieved this year.

What's next?

Well.... Off to the next adventure! I am so pleased to be able to tell you that I am going to be starting a new job in Germany this August, touring English theatre to German schools. It's an eleven month contract, so I've pretty much got another year of craziness in front of me, travelling around the south of Germany with a bunch of actors! It feels like the perfect thing for me to be doing right now, and I am so unbelievably excited.

And yes. I'm going to do a blog about it. You can read it on my super fancy new website eleanorbuchanan.com

As far as the challenges go, well I don't think I'm ever going to stop challenging myself. Maybe it won't always be with 30 day challenges (although now this year is over I suddenly have a load more ideas! Talk to a stranger every day, sketch something every say, practice origami every day, the list is growing) but now I know that there is nothing more satisfying than setting a goal and then achieving it. So I'm going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can to be the best person I can be. And I have a feeling that I am going to be very, very happy.

Thanks for reading guys, it's been a pleasure writing for you.

Love love love love love.

Ellie.

X

Some Pictures and Some Thoughts

Phew! I am having the busiest time of my life right now. I'll be leaving universtity soon, and so begins the desperate search for jobs, the praying that an agent will take me on, and the mighty mighty business plan.

So I haven't found much time for blogging, to be honest! But here I am with a precious spare hour, and I thought I would share some pictures and thoughts with you.

Some of my photos are lazy and rubbish, some are kinda artistic and cool. But the important thing is that I am taking them! Here are some of my favourites from the last week and a half.

I went for a few morning walks and this is one picture that makes me feel really happy! This place is right by my house in York, I used to go running there all the time. And striding across it early morning filled me with all sorts of positivity, especially as it was such a beautiful day! This pictures stirs up that hearty feeling I had that morning. Early morning walks are good. I may even make a challenge out of them.

Here is another photo of the same place, but on a very different morning! Beautiful, but in a different way. I really love this picture, I think it's one of my best. There's a wee artist in here somewhere! All of my best photos for this have been taken outside, and to be honest it's made me quite appreciative of the beauty of the world around us - I'm glad this challenge has made me go looking for it.


Another good example of that would be this tree! This photo doesn't quite do it justice, but trust me guys, this is an effing great tree. Gorgeously silver. I had been staying in a rented house with my boyfriend and his family for his sister's wedding, and this tree was just outside. I didn't even notice it until the last day. A friend of the family was helping unload left over wedding stuff from the car, and he stopped to have a good look, which of course made me have a good look. And we both marveled at how eerily beautiful this tree was! So I took a photo. I love how photos serve both as a record of your experience but also something on its own. In many ways this photo can't come near the original view, but in many ways it is more beautiful too. I think the camera has brightened the blue somewhat, making a really pretty photo that I wasn't quite expecting. So I have the image vs my memory - both slightly unreliable reflections of a nice moment experienced, which is now gone.

And here is a photo that I wanted to show you more for the content rather than the artistry - I bought a brilliant new suitcase for me to fit my life into! As a self employed actor I need to be travelling light - and so I invested in an uber case that I could realistically go on tour with. I was such a nerd when I got home, I couldn't wait to pack it, so I put all my stuff from the big holdall I had brought home for the holidays into it. And I packed it all fancy so that it would look nice. And there's still loads of room! This perhaps wasn't the most productive use of my time - but I am the queen of active procrastination. And at least I'm mostly ready now for going back to Birmingham on Sat. While I was packing it, I was imagining all the jobs I might do in the future where I will be living out of this bag - and I got super excited. Sometimes it's really nice to do something like that, something that excites you about the future. This week has been a good week for things like that.

And now, let me tell you a bit about the diary writing part of this challenge! I have a lovely story for you.

So I was originally doing the diary writing on my PC - because I wanted to use the pictures. And I actually started to enjoy it! Long gone are my teenage years when I would use a diary to moan and lament about how dreadful my life was. This is different now, it's simply a record of my activities, my feelings on the day, and my plans for the next. It feels like a really nice way to wrap up the end of the day, just getting some thoughts down onto a page, and I go to sleep thinking of my plans and hopes for the next day, and also the future. It's been a good thing for me to do at this point in my life, when the future is very much now! However, it's not great doing it on a computer, as staring at a screen and typing is not an ideal bed time activity. So I decided to go classic and use a notepad.

I have loads of notebooks on my shelves many with barely anything written in them, so I dug out a beautiful one my friend gave me for my eighteenth birthday. I took it to LIPA when I did my foundation course, and used it to write down funny quotes my housemates said. So the first ten pages are full of quotes, but the rest is blank. Reading the quotes that I had almost forgotten, I was filled with that gorgeous nostalgic feeling you get when looking at old photos. What was even better was that I hadn't written down who said what, so many of the quotes I can't remember, and can't even picture who said them! But still, because I wrote them down they are here nonetheless, making me laugh and remember the awesome times I had.

My favourite was this: "If you draw on an X instead of writing it, well then that, my friend, is a kiss - unless it's drawn on a map, because then it's probably important."

I don't know who said that - but it's wonderful.

This was a bit of a serendipitous moment for me, because its showing me the value of writing things down, so that you still have the memories years later. (even if they are only gentle reminders!) When I started this challenge I said I was fairly cynical on the effects of using a diary - but now that cynicism is gone. Now that I feel I am in a good place to actually keep one, a positive place where I can use the diary to keep me moving forward, I think it's a really great thing. And now I have seen how wonderful it is to be able to read these recorded moments again.

And I find that when I am writing, ideas begin to spill out of me. It's like the writing of my thoughts helps to slow them down and organise them, and suddenly I have a steady stream of new ideas, simply because I am writing. And of course, those ideas can go straight down onto paper too. I actually think keeping a diary could help me to become a better writer. Now there's a thought.

So yes, wonderful thoughts on this challenge, which I wasn't actually expecting. I felt like I had kind of wussed out this month because I needed something easy, but it's turned out to be perfect!

One last thing - I'm adding a mini challenge. Next month is my last month and I have a special mega challenge all planned out, but I came up with this the other day and thought it was great so I'm throwing it in - a fifteen day challenge! To keep me going through this busy time and to help fight off laziness and procrastination: I must complete at least one thing on my 'to do' list every day. Yesterday it was making a CV, today it was applying for some jobs (and I've ticked this blog off too!) - a productive few weeks ahead.

Thanks for reading, much love to you all.

xx

A Short Summary Of The Reading Challenge

Hello everybody!

So my challenge finishes tomorrow, and I will be posting my increasingly melodramatic poem then :)

This has been a nice relaxing challenge at a pretty stressful time of year, so it's been good for me in many ways. I suppose I can't call it the vocabulary challenge anymore, more like 'The Reading Challenge' - and I've read three books and am well into my fourth in just one month! So that is something to be happy with.

At that rate I could be reading over forty books a year! Which would be fantastic!

Now I must admit I've not got too much to say on this challenge. I've already spoken about how great reading is for you and some books that I love. Aside from 'I'm really glad I've pushed myself to read more' there isn't much to report! Just a few small things:

It's clear now that this journey of mine has been all about figuring out what kind of things I like to do, and what kind of person I want to be, and pushing myself into it. There have been many revelations along the way, but now as the challenges are getting easier (I started with the more difficult!) there are fewer big life lessons cropping up. Instead, there's a calm, assured feeling of 'Yes, I can do this.'

As I'm readying for the end of this challenging year (only two left!) I am thinking of the future and more goals I want to set myself. Maybe more thirty day challenges, maybe some long term ones. For example, I've extended my No Sugar challenge for a whole year. I want to keep pushing myself after this is all over.

With that in mind, I think I could continue with this challenge and make it harder. This reading challenge has been really fun because I've been reading some great fiction, but I also have a stack of factual books that I really want to read. I never do, because reading that kind of stuff is actually really hard for me. But as I have learned from many of my challenges, practice makes perfect. So now that I am reading so much, perhaps a long term goal for me could be to make every fourth book I read a factual one, so I can keep challenging myself, train my brain up for harder reading, and hopefully learn some new stuff!!

And that's all folks! I'll post the poem tomorrow (it's very bad but has been quite fun!) and then on to the next one.

Taraar!

Why I Will Never Stop Trying To Better Myself

Hello!

My sincere apologies for not blogging much lately. I have had a much needed holiday in Portugal with my lovely family. It was really great to have a complete change of environment and people to test this challenge out on. I wasn’t really sure how it had gone, until yesterday. I was on the sofa having a cuddle with my mum and she turned to me and said ‘You’ve been really lovely this Christmas.’ And it was then I knew I’d done what I’d set out to do.

Here’s a bit of context: Whilst I get on enormously well with my family, I do also have a bit of a temper, and I tend to get into arguments with my mum very easily. Nine times out of ten I am completely in the wrong. Nine times out of ten it’s just me taking my mood out on her. Sometimes I can be really unreasonable and it can create a really sour atmosphere for all present. When you throw stuff like packing, travelling, and airports in it can be a recipe for disaster. In general, when my mum gets stressed I get grumpy, which makes her more stressed and me more grumpy. It’s a vicious cycle.

This holiday, it was virtually argument free. There were a couple of times when I snapped unreasonably, and I was called out on it. In the past I would have just had a sulk and walked off. This time I was very quick to apologise. There were also many occasions where I could have snapped, but I took a pause to say to myself ‘is this really worth getting annoyed over?’ And I simply moved past it.

It was really great.

I also made more effort to be actively nice to people. I sent out some Christmas messages to a load of my friends, I tried to pay more compliments to my family (something I now wish I had done more of – I can tell my mum really appreciated it!) and I tried to be a good house guest to my Aunt and Uncle. I found that doing nice things can be quite addictive really, especially when you get good responses!

Now I was in no means perfectly behaved. I don’t think I’ve managed to go a single day this month without doing one of the things I was supposed to not be doing. I also look back and wish I had taken more opportunities to be actively nice. However, I think I have achieved what I set out to achieve – I am changing for the better.

Really, that’s what this entire challenge project has been about.

And here are some thoughts on…

Why I will Never Stop Trying to Better Myself

It is so easy to brush off your own behaviour with phrases like this:

‘That’s just me’  ‘You do you and I’ll do me’ ‘I am who I am’

Or phrases like ‘That’s not how I do things’ are used to get out of doing something you probably should have done.

While it’s really important to be true to yourself, I find a lot of the above phrases are not too far away from one of the phrases I most detest in the world:

‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.’

All my hatred for this phrase is pretty much summed up in this fantastic article titled If I Can't Accept You at Your Worst, Then Maybe You Should Stop Being So Horrible.

Because the thing is, while some things about your identity may be fixed and not in your control (sexuality for example) for the most part you get to choose who you are.

I had a conversation with a friend once that involved him using ‘I’m just not as organised as you’ as an excuse for some pretty lazy behaviour. Another way of phrasing it could be ‘I’m just a lazy person.’

Now I could be wrong here, but this is what I believe about personality: Only a part of it is genetic. Most of it is to do with environment and social conditioning. And you know what, it can be hard to change that conditioning, but I really believe it is completely doable. I didn’t come out of the womb an organised individual. Somewhere along the line, I made the choice to be organised. Or rather, I made a series of choices that lead to me becoming an organised person.

And really, I think that’s the trick to it. Small decisions. It could seem a little daunting to turn around and say to yourself ‘I am going to be a more organised person.’ But it’s quite reasonable to turn to yourself and say ‘I am going to get up half an hour earlier every day’ ‘I am going to make my lunch for the next day every evening.’ ‘I am going to do my homework as soon as I get home today.’ Put all these little choices into action, and hey presto, you have become an organised person.

I’m not trying to say it’s easy. I know it’s not. It’s hard. But what I am saying is it is your choice. It is your decision. No matter what has happened in your life to make you the way you are – the way you go forward from this point is still your choice.

Having this realisation has been really empowering to me.

Every time I was rude, aggressive, or patronising in the past, that was my choice. I’d like to think most of the time I didn’t mean to hurt people, but still, it was my choice to take that risk. And it’s my choice now to stop. And yeah, accepting that responsibility: that feels powerful.

The truth is I will never be perfect. I will make mistakes. I will no doubt be rude, aggressive and patronising again in the future. But I really hope that I will never again brush off that kind of behaviour as ‘just a part of me.’ Because I now realise that for the most part I choose what is and isn’t a part of me. I hope in the future that I will be able to own my mistakes, apologise for them, forgive myself, and then work towards making sure they don’t happen again. While I will never be perfect, I will always aim for perfection. I will always aim for better. I will always have that ‘shoot for the moon and you might land among the stars’ mentality. Because…. Well because, why on earth not?

So, in a way, I will never be truly content with who I am. I will always be striving for more. But that very part of my nature, that desire to always be moving forward in positive ways, that choice that I have made makes me proud of who I choose to be. It makes me happy. It really does.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is this: If (like me) you have something about your personality that you don’t like, or you see traits in others that you wished you had in you – go for it. Make those choices. Make those changes. Empower yourself. It might be hard, but I promise it is worth it. 

Six Months In!

It is now six months since I started my challenges! I’m halfway there! And so I thought a nice thing to do would be to go over my old blog posts and remind myself how I felt doing the challenges, and what they have all done for me.

Here is the main reason I started this thing:

“Recently I've been filled with a fear that I am simply not doing enough with my life. I want to experience more, I want to bring more into the conversations. Ultimately, I want to be a more interesting person.”

So let’s go over each challenge and see if I got any closer to that goal.

June

I gave up sugar for thirty days. And this was the result:

“Since cutting out sugar I have had zero sluggish moods (unless I've been sleep deprived!) and I'm full of energy. I feel so much lighter on my feet, I'm more focused and active, my skin is clearer, I've lost weight without torturing myself, and I really don't miss the snacks as much as I thought I would. In short, I feel fantastic, inside and out.”

It was amazing. Since then, I have been eating a lot less sugar than I did before June. However, I think it’s been gradually increasing as time has passed. Reading my posts about it has reminded me how much better I feel when I have a zero tolerance attitude to sugar. Obviously it’s Christmas time now, which makes it a lot harder. But I think I need to stop using that as an excuse. Ultimately, I know I feel better without the sugar. So I think I need to start being stricter again.

In June I also juggled for at least half an hour every day for thirty days. I loved it so much. Learning a new skill was really rewarding. “This challenge is teaching me the value of sticking with tasks and feeling the sense of reward as you get better and better. It's giving me a lot of drive. I hope to apply this discovery to many other aspects of my life and acquire many more skills along the way.”

Since finishing the challenge, I kept it up for a while and even learned a few new tricks. However, I have to say it’s been a long time since I’ve juggled, which is a real shame because reading these posts I can see how much I loved it. I’m going to work on making it a priority again.

July

In July I exercised for thirty days, and I got so fit! Reading over my stuff, this post is definitely my favourite. Reading it has really inspired me to get back on it with my fitness regime. I actually did manage to keep it up for quite a while, but then, annoyingly, my November challenge was so time consuming it stopped me from doing it. So now I am feeling a bit sluggish and rubbish to be honest. But that in itself is something amazing. I never used to be very bothered about exercise it, and now I positively miss it. It really has become a habit. It will probably be a bit hard to get back in the swing of it, but I know from reading my posts that it will be worth it. I have never felt as good as I did in July – being fit and strong does wonders for your mental health too.

August

This was a great challenge – writing something every day. I actually found it extremely hard and a bit depressing at times, but at the end of it I had so much material that I was proud of. And I still today go back to that material and use it as inspiration for new stuff. Since August I have written quite a few poems and even performed them. The performances went down really well and I’ve found something that I really love! I haven’t been writing every day exactly, but I have kept it up. When reading my posts I came across these quotes:

“By forcing myself into the habit of writing regularly, I have managed to produce some half decent material that simply would not have existed before. That makes it all completely worth it (even if I did go a little bit crazy and depressed sometimes)”

 “to spur on ones own creativity is a wonderful thing, and I think anyone who is interested in writing should get in the habit of scribbling every day. Sometimes it feels like the last thing you want to be doing, but ultimately it has its rewards.”

“It’s better to write acres of rubbish to find one good idea, than to not write at all whilst waiting for that idea to come.”

Basically, over the course of the challenge I realised that if you want to be a writer you simply need to write. A lot of it will be bad, but it’s the only way you will really get something good out of it. It’s been good to remind myself of this, as recently I’ve been only writing when the mood really takes me. (It is worth noting, however, that I find myself in the mood to write a lot more often than I used to, and that is certainly a result of the challenge.)

Also, this:

 “Surround yourself with art and it will bring out the artist in you.”        

I wrote this because some of the best writing I did was at Shambala, when I was listening to a lot of spoken word. I’ve started to realise how important it is to provide yourself with inspiration. Films, theatre, art, books. The more you soak your life with this stuff the more inspired you will be and the more creative you will get. Lately I’ve been thinking I need to read more, and reading that quote has spurred me on.

September

The challenge of meditating every day has no doubt been the most life changing for me. I still do it every day. The longest I have gone without it is a week, and I hated it. This is what I wrote at the time:

“I feel utterly euphoric. Happier than I’ve ever felt before. Colours are brighter, textures are richer, the air feels great in my lungs. I feel light and bouncy and carefree. Sound familiar? There are several different kinds of drugs that can recreate this feeling – but the difference is that this is a clean euphoria. No side effects, no come down, nothing bad in your system at all. It feels like you’re having your eyes opened for the first time. And it's impossible to have a bad day when you start it like that.”

Really, why would I ever give that up?

Even if I don’t reach that euphoric feeling (it only happens rarely, but I’m working on it) meditation still brings an amazing feeling of calm and balance to my life. In the most stressful of situations, I now know how to take my mind to a more peaceful place. It’s the best, and it makes me so happy.

A really nice way two of my challenges came together was a poem I wrote about meditation. It's pretty long, but here's a part of it.

Meditation is the sensation

Of being both awake and asleep

Consciously dreaming

Achieving the feeling

Of stepping through the looking glass

Falling down the rabbit hole

Cutting through the air with a very subtle knife

Crossing the burning rainbow bridge 

Or even jumping on the Hogwarts Express

Finding yourself caught in a place you can taste

And the sky is tangible

Wings of butterflies kissing your skin

And the floor loses its density 

And ripples ever so slightly

Your bones get heavy but your head feels light

And as you breathe in the air

Of a different dimension

Everything just becomes 

Quiet

October

This was another great challenge, as it made all my days seem so much longer. I dramatically cut down on T.V and facebook, and I did so much more stuff with my time.

Check this out:

“I have only completed three days of my challenge, and I am astonished. On Monday night I got home and made my dinner, checked my messages and then thought: now what? Well, I juggled, I did some work, I read a little and then I got an early night. The next morning I ended up getting to uni super early because I was ready so quickly. So I got some extra work done before my rehearsal. Then last night, because I had done so much work in the morning, I took the evening to socialize and catch up with my friends. All month I've been meaning to read some plays in search for acting material, now I've read three in three days. In fact, I have achieved more in the past three days than I do most weeks! I'm on top of everything. And now I’m sitting here, writing this, with a whole evening ahead of me.”

I’m glad I read this, because I’m disappointed to say that I slipped into old habits far too easily. Instead of all that reading I was doing, I’m watching Neighbours again. Also, I’ve gone back to scrolling on facebook like a zombie. WHY??? Well maybe because Facebook is a bit evil as I pointed out in this post. So I am going to have to go back to my rules, because life was genuinely better when I had less facebook and T.V.

This means I’m making the tough decision to break up with neighbours. (Anna, if you’re reading this I’m really sorry) But it’s definitely the right thing to do.

The best thing I got out of this challenge was that I had loads of blogging time. I definitely produced some of my best pieces in this month. If you haven’t read them, I would love for you to check them out. There's this one about how I’ve figured out the secrets to my own happiness. There’s a feminist piece that I’m pretty proud of. And then my personal favourite (and a favourite amongst my readers too) a short tutorial on how to love yourself.

I’m really proud of those pieces, and I realise now I only had time to write them because I made the time. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

November

In contrast to the month before, I’ve hardly blogged at all this month because I was so busy trying to write a novel! In the end, I didn’t manage it, but I’m happy with what I did achieve and I certainly will be trying again. The biggest thing I learned here is that nothing is worth compromising my happiness well-being for, not even my challenges!

So here we are, six months into the adventure. I have attempted seven challenges and completed six of them. I am fitter and healthier and much more aware of how to treat my body and how that links to my mental well-being. I have a new skill, juggling, something I never thought I would be able to do. I have discovered meditation, and it makes me so so happy. I have gone to so many new places with my writing and discovered that I have a love and passion for performance poetry (which is again something I never thought I would be able to pull off!) I have learned so much about what it takes to really make me happy, and I’m putting it into practice. I have written thirty blog posts and hit over 1500 views. I know for a fact (because they told me so) that some of my posts have really touched and even helped people. And, I very nearly wrote a novel.

I have made so many personal achievements in the last six months. More, I think, than I have achieved in years. But even now, I have to remind myself to keep up. Having read over my stuff, I now have some renewed goals: Start juggling again. Start exercising again. Stay away from sugar. Prioritise my time better and dedicate more of it to the arts.

So let’s have another look at what I set out to do.

“I want to experience more, I want to bring more into the conversations. Ultimately, I want to be a more interesting person.”

Yep, I think I’m definitely getting there.

Here’s to the next six months being as rich and rewarding as the first.

The many wonderful things that came out of failing NaNoWriMo

So, I failed NaNoWriMo. And at first I was really upset about it. But pretty soon I was able to put a positive spin on the whole situation (as per usual) and realised that a lot of good has come of it.

1. I wrote over 36000 words. I will always have that, and nobody can take that away from me. Some day, I will go back to those words and I will scoop out the good ones and put them to use. But for now I'm gonna let them sit where they are. 

2. I learned how hard it is to write a novel. Sure, my busy timetable is what made the task ultimately undo-able, but even if I had had nothing else on, I still would have found it very difficult. Having only written short pieces before now, I didn't realise how different attempting something long would be. I thought the only time I would need would be writing time, and I would just plough ahead. Actually, you need more than just 'writing time' when attempting something so big. You need reading and reviewing time. Even if you are not ready to edit, you still need to be continuously reading over your stuff so that you don't end up repeating yourself, and also to help you in where you are going next. You also need research time. There are several elements to my story that I needed to research before I could really write about them, and because I didn't have time I was just skipping over them.

So writing a novel takes a lot more than just being good with words. It takes a lot of time and dedication. Also, 50,000 words sounds like a lot, but ultimately it doesn't equate to a particularly lengthy novel. 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' is 76,944 words. And that's pretty short really. I'd say your average sized novel probably sits more at the 100,000 word mark. Gosh.

Writing a novel is something I always thought I would just wind up doing some day, and only now I am realising how much work I actually need to put in if I want that to happen. I think it's been an important lesson for me to learn, and I'm glad I have learned it!

3. I realised how important meditation is to me. I ended up not meditating because I didn't have time, and I missed it so much. I'm now back on it, and feeling amazing. Sometimes you need to go without something to realise how much it means to you. It's a small thing, but having that half an hour a day has become something I really don't want to go without.

4. I proved to myself that I am capable of pretty great things. Yes, I may have failed the challenge, but I achieved a hell of a lot in a short and extremely busy time and for that I am proud. I've tested my limits and seen that if I put my mind to something I can get a lot done.

5. I have started a fire within me. This wasn't the right time to do this, and it didn't work out how I had hoped, but I am not defeated. If anything, I am more determined. This will get ticked off my bucket list. I guarantee it. 

So yes,silver linings everywhere. It's also nice to be blogging again (didn't know I loved it as much as I do) so hopefully I will come up with something interesting to write about this weekend before the month is out.

Now I'm not usually in the habit of quoting politicians unless trying to point out how much I loathe them, but I think this sums things up nicely:

I have Officially Failed a Challenge

Yep, I am defeated. At over 36000 words, I had to call it a day on the challenge of writing a 50,000 word novel in thirty days (also known as NaNoWriMo) 

The reasons for this are as long as a piece of string but I will attempt to keep it concise.

When I started, I knew this was going to be a tough month. I’m currently in rehearsals for two shows, one of which is ‘Rent’ (which, if you don’t know it, is a very intense and long musical) and therefore my spare time is pretty much nothing. So I was filling it almost entirely with writing. The first two weeks were fine, I managed to balance it out ok. But at the start of this week I realised that I was going to have to put a lot more time outside of rehearsals into the shows. My options were either to stop NaNoWriMo or essentially not sleep in order to get everything done.

Honestly, for a few days I tried the no sleep thing. And I looked a bit like this.

I was getting up an hour early and going to bed sometimes two hours late. But it was worth it to get that word count up, right?? Well, the thing is, when I’m tired the quality of my work, both writing and at uni, is not do good. So what’s the point?

The phrase ‘what’s the point’ started to come up a lot in my head.

The topic of my novel requires me to do quite a bit of research. I can’t do the research because I only just have enough time to do the writing bit and get my word count up. So I was skipping over sections because I really couldn’t write them.

At first, I had really enjoyed what I was writing. But the more pressure there was on me, the more I was just writing anything to get my word count up. The novel actually ended up going in a direction that I really didn’t want it to go in, but I didn’t have time to go back and review it and change it. So I was just writing something I didn’t really believe in.

Because of the pressure on my time, I had given up exercise and meditation. I wasn’t blogging any more. I was spending almost no time socialising. Even my lunch breaks became time to write. My life had lost the balance I’ve been working hard to create in the last five months.

Thus far, I had managed to not let my uni work suffer. However, the work load just got a lot more intense and I knew that if I want to keep up to the working standard I have always upheld at uni, I was going to need more time. There was no doubt in my mind that this challenge was going to have a negative impact on my degree if I continued with it, and I really am not going to allow that to happen.

The reason I was so determined to write this novel now, and not another month, is because I didn’t just want it to be ‘I’m writing a novel in 30 days.’ I wanted to actively take part in NaNoWriMo, so that I would be part of an online writing community, who were all facing the challenge together. But because I didn’t have time, I wasn’t using it at all. I went on the website about twice. So now, I really was just writing a novel in 30 days, there was no other element to it. I could have done it any month, and any month would have been better than this. 

All these things combined, really, what’s the point?

Of course there was a part of me who was very fiercely fighting against all this.

‘You haven’t failed a challenge yet.’

‘You know you can do this you just need to get through it’

‘A bad novel is better than no novel at all.’

But that side of me, ultimately, lost. I sat down at my keyboard and all the reasons as to why I shouldn’t be doing this anymore kept flooding into my brain and made me incapable of writing any more. I thought I could get past the lack of sleep, the lack of socialising, the lack of meditation and exercise and other things that I love. I really thought I could get past that just for ten more days. But there was one thing I couldn't get past.

Thus far, I had managed to not let my uni work suffer. However, the work load just got a lot more intense and I knew that if I want to keep up to the working standard I have always upheld at uni, I was going to need more time. There was no doubt in my mind that this challenge was going to have a negative impact on my degree if I continued with it, and I really was not going to allow that to happen.

The challenge had become a pretty bitter experience for me, and so I had to stop.

So I made the decision to give up on NaNoWriMo. I had a good old cry to myself (genuinely) but then spent the rest of the day feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And that’s how I know I made the right decision.

There are a lot of positives that have come out of the experience, and I’m gonna save them for a whole different blog post. For now I’m just happy to be sleeping again. 

The Little Things

Well I am nearing the end of my challenge. And I have to say this one has not been very challenging.

It was never intended to be really.

The last month I've been a busy bee, and needed to be using my time more efficiently. I didn't want to give myself a challenge that used time, I needed one that would help me save it. So that is why I decided to cut down TV and Facebook. I knew it would help me to get a bit more focus, and it did. A very good friend of mine pointed out that with this challenge I already knew what I was going to get out of it, the lesson was pretty much learned before I even started. I just knew it was something I needed to do.

Nevertheless, I have still learned a few new things that have made this month valuable :)

1. I really do love 'Neighbours'. I had to see if I could go a month without it, and I can, so I'm happy with that, but I can't deny how much I have missed it. And it's safe to say I will be catching up on what I have missed! I'm sorry world, I love a really terrible Australian soap and that is never going to change. (For those of you who ever watched it, Karl and Susan are still there. They broke up and got back together, again. And have now been living on the street for twenty years!!)

TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES, PEOPLE!

2. That being said, having only a few 'treat' shows is a really great way of living. Since the Bake Off ended, Dr Who has been my only TV indulgence (movies aside) and I have looked forward to it all the more because of it. It feels like a proper treat to myself, and I feel like I earn it by not watching other crap. I just think when you have less of something you appreciate it so much more. So I'm gonna carry on limiting what I watch, because I think it's much better to only watch the things you love, and spend the rest of your time doing other things you love too.

3. I actually value Facebook more than I thought I did. Yes, I did write a rant about the perils of facebook but I have also learned to appreciate what it's actually good for. Facebook is a great communication tool, and it brings me closer to people who I never otherwise would keep in touch with. Also, when used wisely, it can become a great place to share ideas and discover new things. It's so useful in this busy era we live in to have a place where you can really organize your social life and also just enjoy each other. There's a lot of harmless fun to Facebook that I've been missing! Strangely, through using it a lot less, I have actually seen how good Facebook can be. It has a lot of merits as well as lot of issues. Like I say, you just have to use it wisely. So I will be becoming more Facebook active again very soon, but I shall be avoiding the dreaded facebook scroll which turns me into a zombie, because that is never good. I think a healthy middle ground can be found :)

4. Through the challenge itself, I have learned to appreciate that by making tiny adjustments to your life you can make a big difference. All I did was give up a few things I didn't really need, and it wasn't even difficult, but it has done me the world of good. I am getting a lot more done and my brain does just feel a bit healthier all round! So yes, the little things are important, and self awareness is the key. The more challenges I do, the more aware I am becoming of who I am as a person, and what I need (or don't need) in order to be happy. It's so so easy to let things slip and you need to be aware when you do so that you can pick yourself back up (see my last post on that one)

All in all, though it's been an easy challenge, it has really been as valuable as the others. It's another stepping stone being the person that I want to be. It's not over quite yet, but I think I have said all that needs to be said on the subject. Next month is National Novel Writing Month, and my challenge will be to write a 50,000 word Novel in thirty days. Not such an easy challenge!! So I will be updating you on that soon.

Whoever is reading this, hope you have a nice day and take a moment to appreciate the little things in life you can do for yourself that make you happy :)

Some Self Reflection

So I’ve been meditating for a month now. And of course, that has made me think a lot and reflect on life somewhat. I genuinely think some really positive changes have begun to take place.

No matter what is going on, no matter how stressed or upset or angry or tired I might be, I have found a way to start each day in a good head space. And it makes such a difference. I’ve been timing it well so that I get up, shower and eat and get ready, and then the last thing I do before I leave is meditate. Then I walk out of the door feeling great. Starting your day in a positive way is so important, and I feel like it really influences how I am going to deal with anything that happens that day. I can approach life with a smile, which is exactly how it should be.

Thought it had been a while since I used an adorable cat to make us all get squishy in our feels.

I worry less now, which is amazing. I am such a worrier it’s unbelievable, but I’ve started to let things go a lot easier and just focus on what’s really important. I think it’s because when I come out of a meditation session I feel so good that I can really evaluate my ‘problems’ and see that they are just blips, and that spending time worrying over them does nothing. Most of my worrying involves regret – ‘I should have done more work last night’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said that thing to that person’ – but I am really learning now to forgive myself any of these little hiccups, learn from it and move on. It sounds cheesy, but life really is too short for that stuff.

I have a new habit and I think it might be something to do with meditation. I am very tidy now. Like – everything has its proper place and I make my bed every single day kind of tidy. In the 22 years that I have been alive, this has never happened for more than three days in a row. Now it’s been thirty. Whuuuuut? When I moved back into my Birmingham house, obviously I unpacked everything to its proper place and made the room look nice – didn’t want to get off to a bad start! But usually what would happen is that during the week everything would get moved and not put back, my clothes would litter the floor and my bed would have no attention paid to it whatsoever. Then I discovered that after meditation, when I had worked so hard to clear my head, if I opened my eyes to clutter I would feel like this:

Which is not ideal. So I would immediately tidy it up. I realized that if my space is out of balance, I feel out of balance, and so I dedicate a teeny tiny part of my day, less than a minute, to making my room look tidy each morning. Which is much more efficient than letting it get messy and then spending half a day sorting it.

In fact, I think efficiency is the main thing I have gained from this experience. When I have a problem I don’t waste time worrying about it, I just fix it and move on. And by being willing to fix little problems and do little things every day, rather than letting my responsibilities build, I don’t have that moment when I feel like everything’s on top of me and I’m going to get crushed under the weight of it all. Everything just feels so much simpler and easier now.

Most of all, I have learned the importance of taking time for yourself, every day. We all claim not to have enough time for that, but often that simply isn’t true. The truth is we don’t prioritize ourselves. There are 24 hours in each day, and you probably spend about 16 of them awake. Surely within those 16 hours you can find half an hour for just yourself? I think if you want to be happy you need to treat yourself with the love and kindness you treat others with. And that means making time for just you, and no one else. Just half an hour a day. Since I have discovered meditation, I think that that is a great use of that half an hour. It works perfectly for me. But it could be something else: reading a book, practicing a skill, exercise, doing a puzzle. Just something that you love and that is good for you.

That last part is important, and why I personally wouldn’t count watching TV as valuable ‘me time’. It’s an indulgence I think everyone should enjoy from time to time, but ultimately it’s vegetation, and I don’t think you get as much out of it as you would with any of the other things I have mentioned.

Earlier I talked about efficiency. Well there is one area in which I think I am still very inefficient. I have an addiction, and that addiction is TV and facebook. And as I say, I don’t think spending time watching TV is very valuable. And scrolling mindlessly through facebook, getting caught up in silly quizzes and stuff definitely isn’t valuable. I don’t think it does much for my mental health. I as a person don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything, and so I wish to get rid of this addiction. And so that’s what my next challenge is gonna be all about, making the time in my life more valuable by cutting down on the things that eat my time and don’t do anything for me. More detail on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, yes I am going to keep meditating. Its doing me so much good, and I like to feel good! Again, I’m going to be cheesy here and sign off with an inspirational life quote (this is an Ellie original…)

Happiness is an art. It takes time, dedication and work. But what you get back from it is beautiful.

Have a lovely day everybody.

Continuing the Journey

So I have reached Day Thirty.

For the past thirty days I have avoided eating anything that contains added sugar, and practiced juggling for at least half an hour.

How did I do?

Well, I had precisely three 'fail' days with the no sugar challenge (graduation ball dinner, the epic brownie, and the cast meal) and yet I don't think of myself as having failed the challenge at all. I think if I had the attitude of 'once you've broken the rules you've failed the challenge' I wouldn't have bothered to see it through till the end. It doesn't really matter what trip ups I have along the way, as long as the challenge has a positive outcome - which it has. I have been leading a much healthier lifestyle for the last month, I've lost weight, my skin has become super clear, my mood is fantastic and pretty darn consistent. I am a happier person for having done this challenge. So no, I don't see any failure here.

Similar situation with the juggling challenge. During my show week I had three days where I was simply too busy rehearsing and performing, so I didn't get my juggling time in. But I now have a new hobby which I love, and to be honest I will continue to practice it indefinitely! So skipping a few days here and there is not a problem. I can now say with confidence that I can do the 'cascade' (the basic juggling pattern) AND I am happy to announce that I am now moving on to juggling tricks and picking them up fairly well.

The whole point of these challenges is to bring positive changes to my life, and to not let the time just drift away. One month in, and I am healthier, happier and have a new skill! Achievement: unlocked.

So now these challenges are almost over: where do I go from here?

I have no doubt that I will keep juggling up, as I have become rather obsessive. The sugar thing is an interesting one. I have a little stash of chocolate and biscuits waiting for me, but I don't want to go straight back to binging! I shall try my best to spread them out. To be honest, the thing I'm most looking forward to is a bit of toast!

I also return to work at a chocolate themed attraction tomorrow, where I will be surrounded by temptation. It's going to be tough to not return to old habits. The truth is, I would love to keep cutting sugar out, just with a few exceptions. I don't want to worry about it when I go out for a meal, for example, because it cuts out most of the menu options. And I can't say I never want another pudding! But I do want to take this new, healthier lifestyle forward because the benefits of it are just outstanding. I think the best thing for me to do is try my best to keep this new habit up most of the time, and if it all spirals out of control I shall simply have to go cold turkey again! One thing I do know, this challenge has completely changed my attitude to food. I now know that biscuits, although delicious, won't really make me happy.

And of course, looking forward, I have had to think about what my next challenge will be. And I shall be announcing that tomorrow! Very exited to be adding more positive experiences to my life.

Here's to my final day of this challenge, and to forming new habits!