Some Self Reflection

So I’ve been meditating for a month now. And of course, that has made me think a lot and reflect on life somewhat. I genuinely think some really positive changes have begun to take place.

No matter what is going on, no matter how stressed or upset or angry or tired I might be, I have found a way to start each day in a good head space. And it makes such a difference. I’ve been timing it well so that I get up, shower and eat and get ready, and then the last thing I do before I leave is meditate. Then I walk out of the door feeling great. Starting your day in a positive way is so important, and I feel like it really influences how I am going to deal with anything that happens that day. I can approach life with a smile, which is exactly how it should be.

Thought it had been a while since I used an adorable cat to make us all get squishy in our feels.

I worry less now, which is amazing. I am such a worrier it’s unbelievable, but I’ve started to let things go a lot easier and just focus on what’s really important. I think it’s because when I come out of a meditation session I feel so good that I can really evaluate my ‘problems’ and see that they are just blips, and that spending time worrying over them does nothing. Most of my worrying involves regret – ‘I should have done more work last night’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said that thing to that person’ – but I am really learning now to forgive myself any of these little hiccups, learn from it and move on. It sounds cheesy, but life really is too short for that stuff.

I have a new habit and I think it might be something to do with meditation. I am very tidy now. Like – everything has its proper place and I make my bed every single day kind of tidy. In the 22 years that I have been alive, this has never happened for more than three days in a row. Now it’s been thirty. Whuuuuut? When I moved back into my Birmingham house, obviously I unpacked everything to its proper place and made the room look nice – didn’t want to get off to a bad start! But usually what would happen is that during the week everything would get moved and not put back, my clothes would litter the floor and my bed would have no attention paid to it whatsoever. Then I discovered that after meditation, when I had worked so hard to clear my head, if I opened my eyes to clutter I would feel like this:

Which is not ideal. So I would immediately tidy it up. I realized that if my space is out of balance, I feel out of balance, and so I dedicate a teeny tiny part of my day, less than a minute, to making my room look tidy each morning. Which is much more efficient than letting it get messy and then spending half a day sorting it.

In fact, I think efficiency is the main thing I have gained from this experience. When I have a problem I don’t waste time worrying about it, I just fix it and move on. And by being willing to fix little problems and do little things every day, rather than letting my responsibilities build, I don’t have that moment when I feel like everything’s on top of me and I’m going to get crushed under the weight of it all. Everything just feels so much simpler and easier now.

Most of all, I have learned the importance of taking time for yourself, every day. We all claim not to have enough time for that, but often that simply isn’t true. The truth is we don’t prioritize ourselves. There are 24 hours in each day, and you probably spend about 16 of them awake. Surely within those 16 hours you can find half an hour for just yourself? I think if you want to be happy you need to treat yourself with the love and kindness you treat others with. And that means making time for just you, and no one else. Just half an hour a day. Since I have discovered meditation, I think that that is a great use of that half an hour. It works perfectly for me. But it could be something else: reading a book, practicing a skill, exercise, doing a puzzle. Just something that you love and that is good for you.

That last part is important, and why I personally wouldn’t count watching TV as valuable ‘me time’. It’s an indulgence I think everyone should enjoy from time to time, but ultimately it’s vegetation, and I don’t think you get as much out of it as you would with any of the other things I have mentioned.

Earlier I talked about efficiency. Well there is one area in which I think I am still very inefficient. I have an addiction, and that addiction is TV and facebook. And as I say, I don’t think spending time watching TV is very valuable. And scrolling mindlessly through facebook, getting caught up in silly quizzes and stuff definitely isn’t valuable. I don’t think it does much for my mental health. I as a person don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything, and so I wish to get rid of this addiction. And so that’s what my next challenge is gonna be all about, making the time in my life more valuable by cutting down on the things that eat my time and don’t do anything for me. More detail on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, yes I am going to keep meditating. Its doing me so much good, and I like to feel good! Again, I’m going to be cheesy here and sign off with an inspirational life quote (this is an Ellie original…)

Happiness is an art. It takes time, dedication and work. But what you get back from it is beautiful.

Have a lovely day everybody.

Am I... doing this right?

So here are some things I have learned about meditation

First of all, this is me:

It’s hard. Like. Really hard. Harder than you would think. People who know me know I am always thinking. My brain is always ticking away. I’m an over thinker. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing. For meditation it’s a bad thing. I find it so hard to quieten my brain. But sometimes… just sometimes… something happens and it all feels clear. And if I can figure out a way to get there more often, I am going to love this.

It’s not the same every time. Each day feels different. Sometimes I find it impossible to relax and other times I slip right into it. I’m starting to learn what the best times are for me to meditate. Morning is definitely the best for me. Unfortunately yesterday I didn't get round to it in the morning, and I tried in the evening. Because I had barely slept the night before, I was just too tired. At first I thought it was great – my mind was clearing easily. But then I kept slouching down and I realized I was really just falling asleep! So yeah, morning is best for me, as long as I've had a bit of time to wake up!

I've also tried a range of slightly different methods this week. Today was a bit of a breakthrough. I discovered that music helps me. Of course, not just your average pop music. Go on YouTube and type in ‘meditation music’ and a whole range of super relaxing, zen, gongs and wind chimes stuff comes up. And you know what, it really helps me. For some reason I find it so much easier to clear my mind when I have that music running in the background. I’m not sure exactly how it works but it does.

Now this is what I THINK is the feeling I've been aiming for. Sometimes, it’s like a wave hits my whole body, and I feel slightly on the edge of reality. My body is lighter. And my mind seems clear. Now when I say ‘clear’ – I don’t mean completely blank. It’s more like it’s completely unburdened by my thoughts and worries, and my imagination can just run free. It sort of feels like that moment just before you fall asleep, when you already start dreaming.

Is this meditation? I don’t know. It’s hard to figure out what’s ‘right’ in this kind of thing. But I like it, and I tend to feel pretty good after each session, so I’m going to keep going and see what happens!

More updates soon! Twenty days to go.