The Worrying Thing about Facebook

Since cutting down on my Facebook usage, it’s relevance to my life has been very much on my mind. I’ve realised that, despite the fact that I use it every day, there are a lot of things about Facebook that worry me.

It’s a given that you are on Facebook. We assume that everyone is on there. And to be fair, it’s a pretty normal assumption to make, as most people are in fact on it. Not long ago I said to someone ‘I’ll add you on Facebook’ and they said ‘Oh I don’t have it’ – and I was genuinely really taken aback. It had been a while since anyone had said that. For a second I was thinking ‘how am I going to keep in touch with this person?’ and then I remembered the magical invention of mobile phones. However, it has to be said that because I am so used to contacting people through Facebook, other methods of communication are largely ignored which leads me to…

We are so used to using it we don't know how to go without it. Back in the days before social networking, I used to text a lot more. I used to ring my friends a lot more. If I had something to say, I had to find someone to say it to. I didn’t just stick it on Facebook and let the internet do my work for me. Now, if someone isn’t on Facebook, I probably just don’t communicate with them. I’m so used to the ease of Facebook now, anything else seems like effort. I don’t usually go on Facebook with the aim of contacting anyone in particular. More often, I will go on, scroll through the feed, see something a friend has posted, and then comment or message or like. It’s like a little service reminding me to be social. In some ways I think this is great. I actually have some really strong friendships that have been largely formed through Facebook. But I wonder; is it making me lazy? I hate the idea of losing out on a friendship because they’re not on Facebook and I’m too lazy to maintain it any other way.

The Relationship Status. I personally hate it, but I know most people like to use it. I realised how much I hated the relationship status thing when I was sixteen and going through a break up. He was an avid Facebook user. I knew that he would go home and immediately update it if I didn’t stop him. And I (being very upset at being dumped) wanted the chance to tell my friends face to face. I didn’t want everyone on Facebook to know until I had a chance to tell those closest to me. And so I had to ask him to wait a day, which he did. But the fact that I had to even ask was upsetting. 

Years later, new boyfriend, I told him I don’t really want to put the relationship on Facebook because I think it’s nobody’s business but mine. He was largely ok with it, but a part of him felt that I was in some way ashamed of him, or wanted people to think I was single. This was ridiculous! For one thing, if I wanted people to think I was single I would have put ‘single’ instead of leaving it blank. But also, people shouldn’t look to my Facebook page to find out the details of my personal life. They should ask me. And if they think because I don’t have a relationship status that means I’m single, then they are fools. However, I ended up relenting when I moved to university. He was nervous about us doing long distance, and so I thought it would make him feel more secure. But isn’t that sad? Declaring something on Facebook shouldn’t make it feel more real. Especially when it comes to love. 

When it came to breaking up (this time it was me that was ending things) I was reminded of why I didn’t want it in the first place. Break ups are hard enough without the formality of taking it off Facebook. And you know, the two weeks between breaking up and then taking it off Facebook genuinely felt like some kind of purgatory, we weren’t together any more but in some sense we still were… It only really felt over when we took it down. That’s so strange to me; Facebook shouldn’t have any influence over my relationships!! And so, I have vowed never to put a relationship status on Facebook again.

Facebook has made pretty strange behaviour socially acceptable. In the real world, nobody likes a show off. Nobody likes that person who just goes on about themselves nonstop. But our Facebook profiles are essentially just that. There are varying degrees of course. My sister, for example, has never made a Facebook status. She doesn’t like or comment on things. She puts photos up, but mostly because she knows her friends will want to see them. She’s only had two profile pictures (her current one is four years old) She essentially has always done what I am currently trying to do, use Facebook primarily for keeping in touch with people. We message fairly frequently, and I know she reads these blogs that I post. She is not a Facebook show off. Then there’s the other end of the scale: endless status updates (often emotional venting), constantly telling us where they are and what they’re doing, often accompanying pictures (usually of food). But what’s funny is that these people are much more common on Facebook than people like my sister. Showing off on Facebook is pretty normal.

Of course most of us are somewhere in the middle – but even the middle is pretty showy offy. Challenge aside, I would consider myself one of these middle people – updating my status once or twice a day, changing my profile picture about once a month. My profile includes my home city, current city, birthday, place of work, educational history. Quite a lot of stuff out there really, you can find out all about me without even talking to me. It seems it has become normal to put a lot of personal information online, we don’t bat an eyelid.

And then there’s stalking, or ‘Facebook stalking’. Like I said, you can find out a lot about me without talking to me. If you went through other methods to find all that information, you would be a full blown stalker. But on Facebook it’s different, because I’ve put the information out there, so it’s ok. Hey, I’ve done loads of Facebook stalking myself. One of the first things I do when I get a new friend is look back through their profile pictures. I don’t really know why I do it. I guess it’s a quick and easy way of finding out more about that person. You can tell a lot about people based on the pictures they use. And it’s so easy! But again is it making us lazy? Do we rely too much on Facebook to make us feel closer to people?

Emotional Venting. So this is in reference to those Facebook show offs. We all know someone on Facebook who posts things like ‘I’m so ugly’ or ‘Some people are such dicks, you know who you are’ or one of my least favourites ‘I’m in such a bad mood’ – then someone comments and asks why and they’re like ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ – clearly you do. Most of us find this kind of stuff really irritating – and brush it away as attention seeking. But when I really think about it, I find it more sad than irritating. I find it sad that instead of ringing a friend or loved one and talking it through, people are just pasting their issues all over the internet, not caring who sees it, just wanting SOMEONE to see it. And again, this kind of behaviour has been pretty normalised. It worries me that people turn to Facebook for emotional relief. I don't think it's very healthy.

Seeking Validation. Another thing I think a lot of people do through Facebook is seek validation. A lot of people do it without realising it. I know I do. I’ve noticed a lot since starting this challenge that if I think of something witty or funny I almost immediately think ‘I’ll put that as my Facebook status’. The fact that my brain flicks to Facebook so often is worrying enough. Then there’s the fact that if I did post said funny thought, I would be waiting for the likes and comments to role in. The more likes and comments, the better I feel. You can apply the same thing to profile pictures. If all you wanted was for people to see what you looked like, then you would do what my sister does, choose one photo and leave it there for years. But no, most of us choose a pretty/funny/interesting photo that shows off our personality in one frame, we put it up, we watch the likes and comments roll in. Then eventually we get bored and choose a prettier/funnier/more interesting photo that shows you off even better (because you’re not that person you were last month) and watch the likes and comments roll in. The validation feels good, but it doesn’t last forever. So we keep on posting. I think most people are guilty of using Facebook in this way. We use it to validate ourselves and make ourselves feel good. We shouldn’t have to do that. We really shouldn’t.

It’s so addictive and time consuming. A while ago I had an iPhone and would spend so much time just scrolling through my Facebook feed. I got nothing from it. It was boring. It’s kind of like when you’re hungry and you keep opening the cupboards hoping something will magically appear. You open up Facebook looking for some entertainment, but it’s the same old thing again. Honestly, I think my time is better spent just sitting and thinking about life, rather than scrolling mindlessly. At least then my mind would be engaged. But somehow, despite the fact that I know I gain nothing from scrolling through Facebook, I end up doing it anyway. It really can become an addiction. And I hate the idea of being addicted to anything. That’s why I’m cutting down. I also have come to the realisation that if we spent less time ‘socialising’ on Facebook we could spend more time actually socialising. Now that I am using my time more efficiently, I get what needs to be done done, and then I have more time for seeing my friends. Ironically, since cutting down on this social network I have become much more social. This proves my theory that the more we build our online connections, the more we neglect our offline ones. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m reliant on it. As with any addiction, it becomes a crutch. I wish I was brave enough to throw it away completely, but I really do depend on Facebook for so much nowadays. So much information I need for uni is circulated through Facebook. I even need it as part of my career. In this ever changing world, sometimes you have to go with the flow or you get left behind.

It’s so cold. Ultimately it’s a bright screen with a load of buttons. It isn’t tangible, it isn’t real. We spend a lot of time documenting our lives than actually living it. Again, in reference to those Facebook show offs – stop taking photos of your food and start eating it! Stop showing us what a great time you’re having and just enjoy the moment. You can always tell the story to your friends in person. You don’t have to document it, you can just remember it. Can an experience be truly experienced if you’re viewing it through a lens? I’m not sure. I personally think Facebook is one of the many things in this world of technology that is making us more distant from really experiencing living.

But do you know what the most worrying thing about Facebook is? It’s the fact that despite all of this, despite the many reasons I have for hating it, despite all of the things I find grotesque, disturbing and wrong about the whole thing….

I love Facebook.

Not only do I love messaging people, but I love updating my status, I love the pictures, I love seeing what people are up to, I love sharing interesting things with hundreds of people, I love how easy it is to keep in touch, I love using it to post this blog (nobody would read it otherwise!) I love finding the odd gem that some random person has posted that really affects me (the Ted Talk that inspired this entire project was posted on Facebook) I love getting loads of birthday wishes, I love how it brings people together for common causes, I love how whole movements can happen through Facebook.

I really love it.

And there are parts of it that I really miss.

But then there are parts of it that I really don’t.

So no, I shall never give it up entirely, but this challenge really is making me think about how I use my Facebook. When it’s over, I shall probably be finding some kind of middle ground between what I was doing before and what I’m doing now. But the most important thing is that I’m becoming more conscious of what I’m doing, and not just mindlessly following the trend.

Sixteen more days!

Is this what I've been missing out on?

Right.

I have only completed three days of my challenge, and I am astonished. On Monday night I got home and made my dinner, checked my messages and then thought: now what? Well, I juggled, I did some work, I read a little and then I got an early night. The next morning I ended up getting to uni super early because I was ready so quickly. So I got some extra work done before my rehearsal. Then last night, because I had done so much work in the morning, I took the evening to socialize and catch up with my friends. All month I've been meaning to read some plays in search for acting material, now I've read three in three days. In fact, I have achieved more in the past three days than I do most weeks! I'm on top of everything. And now I’m sitting here, writing this, with a whole evening ahead of me.

Where is all this time coming from? Has it been here all along?

I remember when I was little and I wasn’t allowed to watch too much TV, and we didn’t have a computer. I remember endless arts and crafts, reading, playing with my toys, drawing, writing stories. I remember sometimes having exhausted all of these options and declaring ‘I’m bored’, the day was going on forever! And then you grow up, and time seems to slip away. Of course, a part of this is because you take on responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, work. But looking back, I remember things did change a lot for me when I was about twelve: when the internet and freeview TV became a part of my everyday life. Slowly but surely, more and more of my time was being spent in front of a screen. Now I have cut down (not even given up completely!) and already I am overwhelmed by the time I am surrounded by. I feel like I am getting that feeling back of having long days ahead of me full of possibilities.

It’s all so exciting. I really can’t wait to see what else this month brings.

Twenty seven days to fill!

Some Self Reflection

So I’ve been meditating for a month now. And of course, that has made me think a lot and reflect on life somewhat. I genuinely think some really positive changes have begun to take place.

No matter what is going on, no matter how stressed or upset or angry or tired I might be, I have found a way to start each day in a good head space. And it makes such a difference. I’ve been timing it well so that I get up, shower and eat and get ready, and then the last thing I do before I leave is meditate. Then I walk out of the door feeling great. Starting your day in a positive way is so important, and I feel like it really influences how I am going to deal with anything that happens that day. I can approach life with a smile, which is exactly how it should be.

Thought it had been a while since I used an adorable cat to make us all get squishy in our feels.

I worry less now, which is amazing. I am such a worrier it’s unbelievable, but I’ve started to let things go a lot easier and just focus on what’s really important. I think it’s because when I come out of a meditation session I feel so good that I can really evaluate my ‘problems’ and see that they are just blips, and that spending time worrying over them does nothing. Most of my worrying involves regret – ‘I should have done more work last night’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said that thing to that person’ – but I am really learning now to forgive myself any of these little hiccups, learn from it and move on. It sounds cheesy, but life really is too short for that stuff.

I have a new habit and I think it might be something to do with meditation. I am very tidy now. Like – everything has its proper place and I make my bed every single day kind of tidy. In the 22 years that I have been alive, this has never happened for more than three days in a row. Now it’s been thirty. Whuuuuut? When I moved back into my Birmingham house, obviously I unpacked everything to its proper place and made the room look nice – didn’t want to get off to a bad start! But usually what would happen is that during the week everything would get moved and not put back, my clothes would litter the floor and my bed would have no attention paid to it whatsoever. Then I discovered that after meditation, when I had worked so hard to clear my head, if I opened my eyes to clutter I would feel like this:

Which is not ideal. So I would immediately tidy it up. I realized that if my space is out of balance, I feel out of balance, and so I dedicate a teeny tiny part of my day, less than a minute, to making my room look tidy each morning. Which is much more efficient than letting it get messy and then spending half a day sorting it.

In fact, I think efficiency is the main thing I have gained from this experience. When I have a problem I don’t waste time worrying about it, I just fix it and move on. And by being willing to fix little problems and do little things every day, rather than letting my responsibilities build, I don’t have that moment when I feel like everything’s on top of me and I’m going to get crushed under the weight of it all. Everything just feels so much simpler and easier now.

Most of all, I have learned the importance of taking time for yourself, every day. We all claim not to have enough time for that, but often that simply isn’t true. The truth is we don’t prioritize ourselves. There are 24 hours in each day, and you probably spend about 16 of them awake. Surely within those 16 hours you can find half an hour for just yourself? I think if you want to be happy you need to treat yourself with the love and kindness you treat others with. And that means making time for just you, and no one else. Just half an hour a day. Since I have discovered meditation, I think that that is a great use of that half an hour. It works perfectly for me. But it could be something else: reading a book, practicing a skill, exercise, doing a puzzle. Just something that you love and that is good for you.

That last part is important, and why I personally wouldn’t count watching TV as valuable ‘me time’. It’s an indulgence I think everyone should enjoy from time to time, but ultimately it’s vegetation, and I don’t think you get as much out of it as you would with any of the other things I have mentioned.

Earlier I talked about efficiency. Well there is one area in which I think I am still very inefficient. I have an addiction, and that addiction is TV and facebook. And as I say, I don’t think spending time watching TV is very valuable. And scrolling mindlessly through facebook, getting caught up in silly quizzes and stuff definitely isn’t valuable. I don’t think it does much for my mental health. I as a person don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything, and so I wish to get rid of this addiction. And so that’s what my next challenge is gonna be all about, making the time in my life more valuable by cutting down on the things that eat my time and don’t do anything for me. More detail on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, yes I am going to keep meditating. Its doing me so much good, and I like to feel good! Again, I’m going to be cheesy here and sign off with an inspirational life quote (this is an Ellie original…)

Happiness is an art. It takes time, dedication and work. But what you get back from it is beautiful.

Have a lovely day everybody.