Then and Now

So this is what I've been doing for the last year:

Juggle every day
Give up refined sugar
Exercise every day
Write something creative every day
Meditate every day
Cut down on TV and Facebook every day

Write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days

Give up on gossiping, bitching, moaning and criticizing for thirty day.

Practice violin every day.

Spend only eighty pounds in thirty days

Read every day

Take a photos and keep a diary every day

Ultimate challenge (combining all my favourite challenges)

That's it! That's this year summed up in thirteen different 30 day challenges. Pretty awesome. It's been a few weeks now since I finished my last challenge, and I must say it's quite strange not having a challenge on at the moment. But it has been perfectly timed as now Uni is over and I've been having a little bit of a holiday!

Before properly abandoning this blog, I just wanted to do one last post about how much this year has meant to me, and how much good has come from it. I think deciding to do this was perhaps one of the best decisions of my life, it's led to a lot of positive changes! When I think of the person I was and the way I felt about myself a year ago and then think of who I am now, well there are a lot of differences! Here are a few:

Achieving My Goals

Then

All talk and no walk. I knew I had talents but I wasn't doing anything to utilize them. I was dreaming of all the things I might one day do, but wasn't attempting to do any of them.

Now

I feel like I have taken some giant leaps forward this year, mostly within my writing. Not only have I managed to keep up this blog, but I've also got two notebooks full of poetry, some of which I perform now and again, and I wrote 36000 words of a novel. Sure, most of those words were a load of crap, but hey, that's a massive step closer to that dream than I was before! I'm also writing for the online publication The New Female now, which I know I wouldn't have been doing if I hadn't have flexed my writing muscles in this blog! I feel like writing isn't something I think about any more, it's something I do. I am a writer. It's even on my business cards.

But even outside of writing, I have taught myself this year that I can do pretty much anything if I put my mind to it! I learned how to juggle for god's sake! And that knowledge has given me so much power: I am a go getting gal and I love it.

Health (Body and Mind)
Then

Pretty unhealthy eating habits, swinging from extreme diet to biscuit binge, and ultimately feeling pretty shitty about my body. Quite a few unexplained mood swings, and a general feeling of blue about life.

Now

My first few challenges kick-started my love for good nutrition and exercise. I am now in my sixth month of no sugar, and feeling a lot fitter! Yes, I did lose a bit of weight this year, but that's not actually the biggest benefit. My body has changed a little bit, but my attitude to my body has changed a lot. My first priority is health, not my dress size. In fact, recently I have gained a bit of weight and it's really not bothering me, because I feel great on the inside. A healthy body means a happy head, this happy head really aint got time for body shaming any more. I can't say that I am super healthy all the time, but I have to say, when I do slip into a bit of a junk food phase, it's not as satisfying any more. I begin to crave spinach. Seriously, I treated myself to a loaf of bread the other week and I actually had to force myself to get through it. I never thought that I, worshiper of toast, would ever say that.

Meditation and reading have also helped me so much! I love that balanced feeling I get from meditating, and I feel so much better now that I put more energy into reading, and other head healthy activities, rather than watching the TV all the time. It's very easy to let your mind slip back into a restless place, but now that I know what it's like to have it at peace, I am always striving for it.

So much balance. So much awesome.

Confidence

Then

Outwardly, I had a lot of confidence, but really I was pretty insecure. I didn't feel like I knew myself very well, or even liked myself that much. I knew I was a good person, but I still didn't put a lot of value of myself.

Now

I love myself. And I'm not ashamed to say it. Self love is awesome! I feel so assured of who I am, what I want, and what makes me happy. Through these challenges, I've figured all of that out, and I can treat myself with the love that everyone deserves. I am a stronger person because of it. Sure, I still have my insecurities, but I also have the ability to tell myself that that's ok. I fuck up sometimes, but I have the ability to forgive myself. I have been treating myself with utter love, and as a result: I think I'm pretty great.

Life Satisfaction

Then

Bored. I was bored! I loved my course and I loved my friends, but I didn't really feel like I had much else going for me. No interests or hobbies, no achievements outside of uni. I felt bored with life and also bored at myself. I felt like a boring person. I spent most of my spare time watching TV and letting the world slip by.

Now

What do I do in my spare time? Let's see... I read, I write, I juggle, I work out, I practice my violin, I meditate. That's a pretty satisfying list of hobbies, and they have come directly out of my challenges. But some other things have come out of them too. I'm always giving myself new projects to do now. I plan a lot more trips and activities than I used to. I go outside a lot more. When I'm bored, I find something interesting to do. I strive to achieve something every day. I have had a total attitude adjustment! Sure, every now and then I will veg out in front of the TV, but pretty soon I get tired of that. I can't sit and twiddle my thumbs the way I used to. I am officially a proactive person.

And this is all I really wanted. I wanted to give myself a kick up the bum and change my life for the better: and that's exactly what I've done. And that's the best part: I did all of this. Anything good to have come out of this year is down to me. I brought all of this positivity in my life. I brought happiness to myself. And knowing that just makes me feel like a superhero (hence all the self love I mentioned earlier)


There's one last thing I want to mention. One more amazing thing to come out of this year. When I started this, I was hoping to do myself some good and maybe give my friends something fun to read. What I wasn't expecting was to have a whole bunch of people getting in touch with me to tell me that they've been inspired by what I've been doing, and that it's given them a kick up the bum too! Some people have even told me that they've started doing their own challenges.

To know that all of this has not only done me the world of good, but has also had a positive effect on other peoples lives... That's a truly amazing feeling.




Quite rightly, I'm very proud of all I have achieved this year.

What's next?

Well.... Off to the next adventure! I am so pleased to be able to tell you that I am going to be starting a new job in Germany this August, touring English theatre to German schools. It's an eleven month contract, so I've pretty much got another year of craziness in front of me, travelling around the south of Germany with a bunch of actors! It feels like the perfect thing for me to be doing right now, and I am so unbelievably excited.

And yes. I'm going to do a blog about it. You can read it on my super fancy new website eleanorbuchanan.com

As far as the challenges go, well I don't think I'm ever going to stop challenging myself. Maybe it won't always be with 30 day challenges (although now this year is over I suddenly have a load more ideas! Talk to a stranger every day, sketch something every say, practice origami every day, the list is growing) but now I know that there is nothing more satisfying than setting a goal and then achieving it. So I'm going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can to be the best person I can be. And I have a feeling that I am going to be very, very happy.

Thanks for reading guys, it's been a pleasure writing for you.

Love love love love love.

Ellie.

X

My Final Challenge

Hello folks!

So I started this year of challenges in June and it is now May - so we know what that means! This challenge is my final challenge of the year. So let's make it a goodun. Technically I should have started this on friday - but the last few days have been a bit hectic and I wanted to get off to a good start, so I am starting tomorrow instead!

These are the challenges I have completed (or at least attempted) thus far:

Juggle every day
Give up refined sugar
Exercise every day
Write something creative every day
Meditate every day
Cut down on TV and Facebook every day

Write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days

Give up on gossiping, bitching, moaning and criticizing for thirty day.

Practice violin every day.

Spend only eighty pounds in thirty days

Read every day

Take a photos and keep a diary every day

(Technically that's my One Year Twelve Challenges done, as I did two the first month! But hey, let's stick one last one in there anyway.)

Looking back on everything I've done this year I feel a bit like this:

And now just one more to go! I really want to end the year with something special - go out with a bang.

A lot of these challenges were about creating habits. Some of which have stuck with me (now in my fifth month of not eating sugar!!) and some of which haven't (that pesky violin practice went as quickly as it came). I've learned a lot about myself and what kind of person I want to be through these challenges, and I want to make this last month a sort of mega-challenge. I want to combine some of my favorite challenges together, and try and start creating a routine that includes them all.

So here are the things I really want to include in this challenge:

Exercise
Meditation
Poetry writing
Violin practice
Juggling practice
Reading
Keeping a journal

(I would include not eating sugar in that list, but I've managed to keep that up anyway, so I wouldn't consider it a challenge any more.)

So these are all things that I really want to make a regular part of my lifestyle. If I've learned anything this year it is that I am at my happiest when I am being productive, and so I want to start pushing myself in all these areas. The tricky part has been trying to figure out how to fit it all in!

This challenge happens to be falling in my very last month of Drama School! What a perfect month to end my challenges on, just before I step out into the big wide world. I am hardly in for lectures any more, but I do have a pretty hefty project to be getting on with - my business plan. So even when I am not in for uni, I am pretty much considering my time from 9 - 5 my 'office hours' - where I dedicate my time to business plan, applying for jobs, and projects. So I need to find time for all of this challenge stuff in my mornings and evenings. Here is what I have in mind...

Exercise and Meditation

I know that I am at my best both physically and mentally when I make time for both of these things every day. Since both of these challenges I have kept them both up to a certain extent - but I want to go back to doing them both daily. Time wise, I think it would be reasonable to fit in half an hour of strength training and stretching, and half an hour of meditation every morning. I'd also like to fit in cardio a couple of times a week, perhaps when I can afford to start 'office hours' a little later in the day. Right now I'm avoiding running because I have very sore knees, but there's always zumba!

Poetry Writing, Violin Practice, Juggling and Reading

So essentially, these are my hobbies and skills. If I want to improve in my violin and juggling I need to practice regularly! And if I want to progress with my writing I need to push myself to write and read as often as possible. But what to do? I can't do them all every day. So I've decided to alternate between violin and juggling each night. It'll be the first thing I do when I get home from uni, practice for half an hour. As for writing and reading... well, I always have a book in my bag for whenever I'm in the bus or just have ten minutes to myself. That seems to work pretty well, it's aided me in reading a few more books since my reading challenge in march finished! I also take my poetry book everywhere, but that doesn't necessarily mean I write in it that often. So to aid me in writing a bit more, I just want to spend a few minutes each day, whether on my lunch break or maybe just before going to bed, jotting some ideas down. Then, over the weekend I must turn one of my ideas into a fully formed poem. A poem a week sounds reasonable I think!

Keeping a Journal

I wanted to include this because I want to use it to keep myself going. This is potentially my hardest challenge yet. It's going to be tricky to keep track of everything and keep motivated! But I think if I organise my thoughts every evening, even if its as simple as writing down my tasks for the next day, I think it could be a real help to me.

Some other thoughts...

I'll sort of be going back to my challenge of avoiding TV so that I can fit all this in. I'm definitely cool with that! As I whole I definitely watch less TV now than I did before, and I really don't miss it! That being said, you should always make time for some good films and documentaries, so I'm gonna give myself Friday and Saturday evenings for some good viewing time. I think by restricting myself I will choose what I watch a bit more wisely! And of course, bringing in some more challenges, I would like to continue to monitor my bitching and moaning, and to limit my spending. But I don't think I'm going to set any solid rules on that - just try and keep it in mind every day.

So there we have it! Those are my rules and guidelines for my Ultra-Super-Duper-Awesome-Mega-Challenge (the official title). It's a big one. I'm essentially trying to throw myself into being the busiest and most productive (and therefore, I think, best and happiest) version of myself. I'm trying to see if I could maintain all these habits properly, and build a lifestyle wildly different to the one I started with this time last year. It's a bit scary to be honest, but in a good way!

Now I'm under no illusion that I will manage to keep this up every day. If a trip to the cinema or a dinner with friends stops me from getting everything done, then so be it. This challenge is not about ticking every day off, it's about carving a realistic lifestyle for myself, and that includes random changes of plan! That's why this is probably going to be the hardest challenge for me to keep track of, but I have faith that if I really commit myself I'll do it. Most of all, I just hope that this challenge turns out as well as I want it to, and gives me that 'I'm so happy to be moving forward' buzz I've had from so many of my other challenges. There's a lot riding on this one! I'm excited.

Here is hoping for a fantastic month to end a truly fantastic year.

30 days left....

Why I Will Never Stop Trying To Better Myself

Hello!

My sincere apologies for not blogging much lately. I have had a much needed holiday in Portugal with my lovely family. It was really great to have a complete change of environment and people to test this challenge out on. I wasn’t really sure how it had gone, until yesterday. I was on the sofa having a cuddle with my mum and she turned to me and said ‘You’ve been really lovely this Christmas.’ And it was then I knew I’d done what I’d set out to do.

Here’s a bit of context: Whilst I get on enormously well with my family, I do also have a bit of a temper, and I tend to get into arguments with my mum very easily. Nine times out of ten I am completely in the wrong. Nine times out of ten it’s just me taking my mood out on her. Sometimes I can be really unreasonable and it can create a really sour atmosphere for all present. When you throw stuff like packing, travelling, and airports in it can be a recipe for disaster. In general, when my mum gets stressed I get grumpy, which makes her more stressed and me more grumpy. It’s a vicious cycle.

This holiday, it was virtually argument free. There were a couple of times when I snapped unreasonably, and I was called out on it. In the past I would have just had a sulk and walked off. This time I was very quick to apologise. There were also many occasions where I could have snapped, but I took a pause to say to myself ‘is this really worth getting annoyed over?’ And I simply moved past it.

It was really great.

I also made more effort to be actively nice to people. I sent out some Christmas messages to a load of my friends, I tried to pay more compliments to my family (something I now wish I had done more of – I can tell my mum really appreciated it!) and I tried to be a good house guest to my Aunt and Uncle. I found that doing nice things can be quite addictive really, especially when you get good responses!

Now I was in no means perfectly behaved. I don’t think I’ve managed to go a single day this month without doing one of the things I was supposed to not be doing. I also look back and wish I had taken more opportunities to be actively nice. However, I think I have achieved what I set out to achieve – I am changing for the better.

Really, that’s what this entire challenge project has been about.

And here are some thoughts on…

Why I will Never Stop Trying to Better Myself

It is so easy to brush off your own behaviour with phrases like this:

‘That’s just me’  ‘You do you and I’ll do me’ ‘I am who I am’

Or phrases like ‘That’s not how I do things’ are used to get out of doing something you probably should have done.

While it’s really important to be true to yourself, I find a lot of the above phrases are not too far away from one of the phrases I most detest in the world:

‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.’

All my hatred for this phrase is pretty much summed up in this fantastic article titled If I Can't Accept You at Your Worst, Then Maybe You Should Stop Being So Horrible.

Because the thing is, while some things about your identity may be fixed and not in your control (sexuality for example) for the most part you get to choose who you are.

I had a conversation with a friend once that involved him using ‘I’m just not as organised as you’ as an excuse for some pretty lazy behaviour. Another way of phrasing it could be ‘I’m just a lazy person.’

Now I could be wrong here, but this is what I believe about personality: Only a part of it is genetic. Most of it is to do with environment and social conditioning. And you know what, it can be hard to change that conditioning, but I really believe it is completely doable. I didn’t come out of the womb an organised individual. Somewhere along the line, I made the choice to be organised. Or rather, I made a series of choices that lead to me becoming an organised person.

And really, I think that’s the trick to it. Small decisions. It could seem a little daunting to turn around and say to yourself ‘I am going to be a more organised person.’ But it’s quite reasonable to turn to yourself and say ‘I am going to get up half an hour earlier every day’ ‘I am going to make my lunch for the next day every evening.’ ‘I am going to do my homework as soon as I get home today.’ Put all these little choices into action, and hey presto, you have become an organised person.

I’m not trying to say it’s easy. I know it’s not. It’s hard. But what I am saying is it is your choice. It is your decision. No matter what has happened in your life to make you the way you are – the way you go forward from this point is still your choice.

Having this realisation has been really empowering to me.

Every time I was rude, aggressive, or patronising in the past, that was my choice. I’d like to think most of the time I didn’t mean to hurt people, but still, it was my choice to take that risk. And it’s my choice now to stop. And yeah, accepting that responsibility: that feels powerful.

The truth is I will never be perfect. I will make mistakes. I will no doubt be rude, aggressive and patronising again in the future. But I really hope that I will never again brush off that kind of behaviour as ‘just a part of me.’ Because I now realise that for the most part I choose what is and isn’t a part of me. I hope in the future that I will be able to own my mistakes, apologise for them, forgive myself, and then work towards making sure they don’t happen again. While I will never be perfect, I will always aim for perfection. I will always aim for better. I will always have that ‘shoot for the moon and you might land among the stars’ mentality. Because…. Well because, why on earth not?

So, in a way, I will never be truly content with who I am. I will always be striving for more. But that very part of my nature, that desire to always be moving forward in positive ways, that choice that I have made makes me proud of who I choose to be. It makes me happy. It really does.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is this: If (like me) you have something about your personality that you don’t like, or you see traits in others that you wished you had in you – go for it. Make those choices. Make those changes. Empower yourself. It might be hard, but I promise it is worth it. 

Positivity For The Win

Hello beautiful people!

Today's blog is all about POSITIVITY and how the more effort we make to put it into the world, the better our lives will be. I have so much to say on the subject, but I can't write it all, so I'm gonna scatter some nice quotes throughout that I think sum up some of my feelings :)

The challenge is going well. It’s a difficult one to track because of the fact that it’s about internal change rather than external, but I really feel like day by day it’s getting easier. For me it’s all about drawing lines between just getting things off your chest, and moaning. Sometimes things can get too much and you need to talk it through with someone. But it’s all about making sure that the negativity from that situation doesn’t seep into other areas of your life.

In my second show week I worked really hard to avoid negative conversations, and what I actually found really helpful was to actively be more positive. I was trying to do things like compliment people more, and ask more questions about them rather than talk about myself. I was putting more of my focus on other people and listening more. I was making more effort to engage people in conversation. Basically, I was simply making more effort to be nice. Each day I was going in with the aim to make the people around me happy.

And I think it worked. It was a really great week, and despite the stress of doing a massive musical, everyone seemed to have a good time. Now I don’t take full responsibility for that, but I like to think that I brought a bit of positive energy into the mix.

Then I started thinking. I was thinking back to first year of uni, when we didn’t know each other. I remember how much effort I made to get to know people. It was the same kind of thing, paying extra attention to what people were saying and really engaging with them. I remember it in other people too. We were all really nice and polite and kind in the beginning. After a while, these things tend to give way a little. It’s natural, I think. When you get comfortable with people you then start showing your darker sides a bit. And it’s great when you have friends who will put up with your bad sides because they love your good ones. But it’s occurred to me lately that maybe it would be better if we carried on making that kind of effort with people.

Because really, why would we ever stop being nice, polite and kind to each other? What does that achieve? When you stop and take just a little bit of time to make effort with someone, whether that’s through complimenting them, or making effort to include them, or just making sure you really listen to what they have to say, it has the potential to really brighten their day. And that in turn can brighten yours.

I’ve started to realise that even if you’ve known someone for a while, you probably only see the tip of the iceberg. People are a complex and exciting amalgamation of thousands of moments that can be explored: All you have to do is ask questions. And really listen. I randomly asked a friend who I don’t hang out with much what their family Christmas traditions were, and we launched into a massive conversation about it. I’ve known this person for a few years now, but because I made the effort to ask about them, I got to know them a little bit more that day.

It can be easy to get wrapped up in yourself and lose interest in others. It can be easy to write someone off because of a personality clash, or a difference in opinion. It can be easy to say ‘hey, we’re not that close’ and just stop making the effort. But I’m realising now that if you do that, you really miss out on a beautiful part of the human experience. The more you get to know people, the more chance you have of understanding them. And the more you understand people, the more forgiving you can be. And things just feel a lot better that way.

So this challenge is sort of morphing as it goes along. As well as trying to cut down on all those negative habits, I’m now trying to boost all my positive ones, and make a lot more effort to spread positivity and happiness to those in my life. Seems an appropriate challenge for December.

Thirteen days left (and only eight till Christmas!!!!)

Peace and Love

Stage One: Hyper Awareness

Hello!

Week one of this challenge is almost over, and it's been a tough one! I've been trying to cut down on all of those nasty habits I spoke about: blaming, interrupting, whining, bitching, moaning, gossiping, controlling, criticising, judging, and preaching.

Now of course, I haven't been able to go completely cold turkey. Giving up sugar was hard, but controllable. Changing your habits in the way you think and speak and behave is completely different. I'm essentially trying to cut down on something that is part of my current personality. I believe that it's doable, but it works differently from cutting down on something external. I think it goes in stages, and the first stage is awareness.

I've heard the phrase 'awareness is half the battle' quite a lot before, and I like to think that's true. I may not have been able to cut this stuff out immediately, but I feel very aware of when I am doing it, and therefore I am certainly doing it less, and also am able to admit when I have slipped up. 

Now part of the challenge this week has been my environment. I am currently in a show, and so am spending a lot of time in a dressing room with the other girls. It's a very high stress environment and so bitching, moaning and gossiping is kind of a given. And when reflecting on it this week, I don't think that's entirely a bad thing. When things go wrong, it's good to have a network of friends you can go to to have a good rant. And it's nice to be able to share stories with people. What I found interesting this week was defining the difference between getting things off your chest and using each other for support, and then being needlessly negative or mean.

Some examples: My friend and I were swapping stories about ex boyfriends, and obviously not all these stories painted our exes in the best light. And I thought to myself, 'am I breaking my own rules? Is this bitching and gossiping?' Eventually I came to the conclusion that it wasn't. I think bitching and gossiping only really applies when you're talking about people who currently feature in both of your lives, and you do it with an intent to mock/shame/belittle said person in the eyes of the person you are talking to. But sharing stories about people from your past is different. You're really talking more about yourself, and something you have been through. There's no 'shit stirring' element to it.

Later on, when we were talking about the behavior of someone we all know, I thought 'this is bitching and gossiping', because we were fueling and encouraging each other's dislike for the individual in question. I don't think we were wrong in the way we felt, but it made me think, should we waste our time talking about this person? It was only making us feel angry. Sometimes I removed myself from these kind of conversations, other times I was not so honorable, but every time I was super aware of what I was doing. Again, I realized it's quite complicated and hard to draw the line. It's only natural to talk about the people in your lives. The main thing I was trying not to do was 'fuel the fire'. When people tell you some gossip, of course you are going to have a reaction and opinion, but then what I have often caught myself doing is adding fuel to the fire by offering more gossip on top, and that's when it can become a bit of a spiral. 

As well as being aware of myself and my own behavior, I am becoming increasingly aware of other people's too. I realized that again, interrupting is a bit of a grey area. Listening to my friends talk, I saw that interrupting and talking over each other is something we all do all the time. It's the way we naturally converse. Waiting for a proper gap was actually quite hard. And I realised that again it all depends on context. Interrupting each other in normal conversation is, well, very normal. But it's when you use interruption as a tool to silence or put down someone that it becomes a problem, and something I would like to avoid. In proper arguments and debates it's easy to get caught up in your passion, but it's important to really listen to what the other person is saying, even if you don't agree.

So I think I'm starting to get somewhere with this. What's important to acknowledge and remind myself of is that it's only my behavior that I am trying to change. If other people want to bitch and gossip and moan then that's absolutely fine. I will not judge them for it, partly because that's on my list of things not to do, but also because I am in no position to judge. I know that those things do not make you a bad person, and I know they only come from a place of frustration and people need a place to vent that. And so I won't judge, and I certainly won't preach! All I want to do is ensure that I am not adding to any anger or negativity. I want my contribution to the environment to be a positive one, and if that means sometimes I have to just be silent and let things go by, then that's fine.

Twenty Four days to try and crack this thing. 

Trying to be Nicer

This challenge is going to be an interesting one.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately (probably brought on a little by my meditation) and I’ve been coming face to face with the things I don’t like about myself.

I like to think that I’m a nice person, and when I look at the wonderful people who call me their friend, I am assured that I must have some great qualities. But I think it’s important to be aware of your faults and to work towards changing them.

It was while I was thinking about this that I came across This Article. It basically claims that there are ten things you can cut out of your life to make yourself happier. These things include:

Blaming: This is definitely something that I do, especially when it comes to university. I can often be found moaning about something someone else has done instead of just dealing with the situation.

Interrupting: Oh yes. When in a discussion/debate I can get very passionate and I often end up interrupting and talking over people. This also means I often don’t wait for people to finish what they are saying, and I jump to conclusions. I don’t really listen properly. I’d definitely like to change that.

Whining: All the time. You can add bitching, gossiping and moaning to that list as well.

Controlling: This is probably my biggest issue, and something I’d really like to work on.

Criticising: And judging. Doesn’t really do any good.

Preaching: Yep. I know I can come across really self-righteous sometimes, and I really don’t want to. I have a lot of opinions, and I’m not ashamed of that. But sometimes those opinions are not asked for, and yet I tend to impose them anyway.

Now, it was pointed out to me that although all of these things can be quite damaging, both to others and myself, most of them seem to come from a good place. I expect a lot from people. I have my own ideas about morals and how people should behave, and I expect people (especially my friends) to live up to them. When they don’t, that’s when I tend to get super critical and preachy, because I care about them and I don’t want to see them doing things that I believe are wrong. But that’s just the thing, that’s my belief, not everybody’s. Sometimes I think I need to have more of a live and let live attitude, and be able to let things go.

When it comes to the moaning, whining, bitching and gossiping side of me; that is something I’d really like to shake off. I am aware that I talk negatively about people far too often, and I don’t think it does any good. I don’t ever want to be the person creating negative tension in the room, but unfortunately I think I do that a lot.

So that’s what this month’s challenge is going to be. I am going to work really hard to stop blaming, interrupting, whining, bitching, moaning, gossiping, controlling, criticising, judging, and preaching. Essentially, it looks like I’m going to be a lot quieter!

I think this is going to be a really interesting challenge as I’m going to be figuring a lot of things out along the way. I don’t want to lose any of myself, and I still want to be able to voice my opinions. But I’m hoping that through this challenge I’ll be able to find ways of doing that without upsetting people and bringing people down. I aim to create a more positive environment for myself and the people around me. It’s going to be hard, and no doubt I’m going to make a lot of slip ups along the way (already this morning I have caught myself breaking the rules) but I think awareness is the key. I’m going to have a little notebook with me so that I can record my progress as I go along and keep myself in check.

I’m not sure exactly how this is going to go, but I think it could be really great.

The many wonderful things that came out of failing NaNoWriMo

So, I failed NaNoWriMo. And at first I was really upset about it. But pretty soon I was able to put a positive spin on the whole situation (as per usual) and realised that a lot of good has come of it.

1. I wrote over 36000 words. I will always have that, and nobody can take that away from me. Some day, I will go back to those words and I will scoop out the good ones and put them to use. But for now I'm gonna let them sit where they are. 

2. I learned how hard it is to write a novel. Sure, my busy timetable is what made the task ultimately undo-able, but even if I had had nothing else on, I still would have found it very difficult. Having only written short pieces before now, I didn't realise how different attempting something long would be. I thought the only time I would need would be writing time, and I would just plough ahead. Actually, you need more than just 'writing time' when attempting something so big. You need reading and reviewing time. Even if you are not ready to edit, you still need to be continuously reading over your stuff so that you don't end up repeating yourself, and also to help you in where you are going next. You also need research time. There are several elements to my story that I needed to research before I could really write about them, and because I didn't have time I was just skipping over them.

So writing a novel takes a lot more than just being good with words. It takes a lot of time and dedication. Also, 50,000 words sounds like a lot, but ultimately it doesn't equate to a particularly lengthy novel. 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' is 76,944 words. And that's pretty short really. I'd say your average sized novel probably sits more at the 100,000 word mark. Gosh.

Writing a novel is something I always thought I would just wind up doing some day, and only now I am realising how much work I actually need to put in if I want that to happen. I think it's been an important lesson for me to learn, and I'm glad I have learned it!

3. I realised how important meditation is to me. I ended up not meditating because I didn't have time, and I missed it so much. I'm now back on it, and feeling amazing. Sometimes you need to go without something to realise how much it means to you. It's a small thing, but having that half an hour a day has become something I really don't want to go without.

4. I proved to myself that I am capable of pretty great things. Yes, I may have failed the challenge, but I achieved a hell of a lot in a short and extremely busy time and for that I am proud. I've tested my limits and seen that if I put my mind to something I can get a lot done.

5. I have started a fire within me. This wasn't the right time to do this, and it didn't work out how I had hoped, but I am not defeated. If anything, I am more determined. This will get ticked off my bucket list. I guarantee it. 

So yes,silver linings everywhere. It's also nice to be blogging again (didn't know I loved it as much as I do) so hopefully I will come up with something interesting to write about this weekend before the month is out.

Now I'm not usually in the habit of quoting politicians unless trying to point out how much I loathe them, but I think this sums things up nicely:

Some Self Reflection

So I’ve been meditating for a month now. And of course, that has made me think a lot and reflect on life somewhat. I genuinely think some really positive changes have begun to take place.

No matter what is going on, no matter how stressed or upset or angry or tired I might be, I have found a way to start each day in a good head space. And it makes such a difference. I’ve been timing it well so that I get up, shower and eat and get ready, and then the last thing I do before I leave is meditate. Then I walk out of the door feeling great. Starting your day in a positive way is so important, and I feel like it really influences how I am going to deal with anything that happens that day. I can approach life with a smile, which is exactly how it should be.

Thought it had been a while since I used an adorable cat to make us all get squishy in our feels.

I worry less now, which is amazing. I am such a worrier it’s unbelievable, but I’ve started to let things go a lot easier and just focus on what’s really important. I think it’s because when I come out of a meditation session I feel so good that I can really evaluate my ‘problems’ and see that they are just blips, and that spending time worrying over them does nothing. Most of my worrying involves regret – ‘I should have done more work last night’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said that thing to that person’ – but I am really learning now to forgive myself any of these little hiccups, learn from it and move on. It sounds cheesy, but life really is too short for that stuff.

I have a new habit and I think it might be something to do with meditation. I am very tidy now. Like – everything has its proper place and I make my bed every single day kind of tidy. In the 22 years that I have been alive, this has never happened for more than three days in a row. Now it’s been thirty. Whuuuuut? When I moved back into my Birmingham house, obviously I unpacked everything to its proper place and made the room look nice – didn’t want to get off to a bad start! But usually what would happen is that during the week everything would get moved and not put back, my clothes would litter the floor and my bed would have no attention paid to it whatsoever. Then I discovered that after meditation, when I had worked so hard to clear my head, if I opened my eyes to clutter I would feel like this:

Which is not ideal. So I would immediately tidy it up. I realized that if my space is out of balance, I feel out of balance, and so I dedicate a teeny tiny part of my day, less than a minute, to making my room look tidy each morning. Which is much more efficient than letting it get messy and then spending half a day sorting it.

In fact, I think efficiency is the main thing I have gained from this experience. When I have a problem I don’t waste time worrying about it, I just fix it and move on. And by being willing to fix little problems and do little things every day, rather than letting my responsibilities build, I don’t have that moment when I feel like everything’s on top of me and I’m going to get crushed under the weight of it all. Everything just feels so much simpler and easier now.

Most of all, I have learned the importance of taking time for yourself, every day. We all claim not to have enough time for that, but often that simply isn’t true. The truth is we don’t prioritize ourselves. There are 24 hours in each day, and you probably spend about 16 of them awake. Surely within those 16 hours you can find half an hour for just yourself? I think if you want to be happy you need to treat yourself with the love and kindness you treat others with. And that means making time for just you, and no one else. Just half an hour a day. Since I have discovered meditation, I think that that is a great use of that half an hour. It works perfectly for me. But it could be something else: reading a book, practicing a skill, exercise, doing a puzzle. Just something that you love and that is good for you.

That last part is important, and why I personally wouldn’t count watching TV as valuable ‘me time’. It’s an indulgence I think everyone should enjoy from time to time, but ultimately it’s vegetation, and I don’t think you get as much out of it as you would with any of the other things I have mentioned.

Earlier I talked about efficiency. Well there is one area in which I think I am still very inefficient. I have an addiction, and that addiction is TV and facebook. And as I say, I don’t think spending time watching TV is very valuable. And scrolling mindlessly through facebook, getting caught up in silly quizzes and stuff definitely isn’t valuable. I don’t think it does much for my mental health. I as a person don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything, and so I wish to get rid of this addiction. And so that’s what my next challenge is gonna be all about, making the time in my life more valuable by cutting down on the things that eat my time and don’t do anything for me. More detail on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, yes I am going to keep meditating. Its doing me so much good, and I like to feel good! Again, I’m going to be cheesy here and sign off with an inspirational life quote (this is an Ellie original…)

Happiness is an art. It takes time, dedication and work. But what you get back from it is beautiful.

Have a lovely day everybody.