Getting Over the Fear of Being Terrible

Hello my lovelies!

Well, I am one week into my challenge of practicing the violin every day. I've done well so far, although I accidentally forgot yesterday, but did an hour today to make up for it! My wrists and fingers ache a little, and my shoulders ache a little more. I've been focusing a lot on getting my technique up to scratch (more than I ever did when I was actually learning!) and I think, slowly but surely, I'm beginning to improve.

So for a bit of background, I played violin on and off from year three to year eleven -  then threw in the towel. I've played the odd tune since then, but essentially I haven't really played in over seven years. So while I'm not completely starting from scratch, I do have to go right back to basics. Which, as you can imagine, is a little infuriating. I've essentially spent the whole week practicing scales and arpeggios, with a few exercises and tunes thrown in, all from this delightful book:

Going to practice from a book that is so clearly aimed at children can feel a little bit embarrassing, but it really shouldn't, should it? Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing can really put adults off learning a new instrument. And that's a real shame. Another thing that I think puts adults off learning a new instrument is the fear of being terrible.

I certainly have that fear.

This week I have pretty much been able to practice in an empty house, which has been nice for me to ease back into it. Next week this probably won't be the case, and I shall have to face my fear of people being able to hear my less than brilliant violin playing.

When I learned how to juggle it didn't feel like this, because it's a silent activity! I couldn't get embarrassed by it that way. I didn't feel like I was imposing something awful upon people's eardrums. But playing an instrument and knowing that you're doing it badly feels really bad because you know that other people will be thinking how bad it is.

But unfortunately, the only way to get better is practice!

So really, if I want to get better at violin (which I really do!) I have no choice. I have to get over it. So I've decided to do this:

I honestly don't think I could put it better than that.

It seems to me, that as you grow older you become a lot more critical and aware of yourself. And that self awareness makes people scared. It makes me scared at least. Scared to do things badly because everybody else will judge you for it. But I can't let that fear stop me from trying new things, or, in this case, getting back up to scratch with old things. I have to get over it. And I think the only way to get over it is to say 'fuck it' and steam on ahead.

And yeah, it's infuriating to play an instrument badly, even if no one can hear you! It makes you want to stop. But if I learned anything from my first challenge of learning how to juggle, it's that if you practice practice practice you can only improve, even if it's slowly. So that's what I'm going to do.

So to any one who will happen to be in my house in the next few weeks to hear my scratchy tones and flat notes: I really am truly sorry, but if I can get over it I'm sure you can too.

Twenty Four days left to become less terrible - let's do this.