The Double Bind of Being a Woman

Hello :) Having a little break from challenges until Saturday, when National Novel Writing Month officially kicks off.

So for now I would like to blog about something very dear to my heart: Feminism. 

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend last night about the subtleties of sexism, and the importance of recognising them. It’s vital that we recognise that many instances of sexism are very subtle (check out the everyday sexism project if you don’t believe me) and it’s that very subtlety that makes it hard to fight.

We spoke a lot about the issue of cat calling. There are plenty of men out there who really believe that shouting out ‘sexy’ and ‘beautiful’ should be taken as a compliment. The words themselves are complimentary after all. But context is the important thing here. For one thing, when a stranger shouts ANYTHING at you in the street, it feels intimidating. Doesn’t matter what it is. For another thing, a man who shouts ‘beautiful’ at me and then thinks that I should smile and take it as a compliment MUST therefore think that his opinion of my appearance should be important to me. I should care what he thinks. I should be flattered, nay, honoured that he approves of the way I look.

When you put it like that it makes you think, doesn’t it? 

Now why is it that so many people (men and women) think that the male opinion of the female form is so important? Well, because we’re taught that it is. What does every Disney princess have in common? Beauty. And who is it that calls them beautiful (and generally decides their worth based on that fact)? The men. One of the only princesses who doesn't seem to care so much about beauty, and cares more about what is in the inside is Belle. But that's easy for her, isn't it? BECAUSE HER NAME LITERALLY MEANS BEAUTY.

Anyway... moving on... It's not just through Disney, but through all areas of the media that we are taught that beauty is a vital part of being a woman. And sometimes it is very subtle, and that makes it even more dangerous, because we don't even see it happening.

Speaking in very broad terms, here are some basic differences between men and women in our society today.

1. Women tend to have more clothes. For really posh events, plenty of men only have the one suit. Most women tend to have a lot of dresses, each of which will only be worn a few times.

2.Shoes. Shoes get their own category. Stereotypically, women have a LOT of shoes. And of course, there’s the high heel. High heels make your legs look effing excellent. They also hurt, a lot. But most of us wear them anyway because they look great. Men on the other hand, tend to wear shoes that won’t leave their calves aching and their toes blistered the next day. Even if they are shoe lovers and have twenty pairs, those shoes will usually be pretty comfy.

3.Women wear more make up. It’s very rare that you’ll see a man wearing make up in day to day life. And if they do it’s more often quite striking, bold lines and colours – making a statement. Whereas most women wear make up on a day to day basis – and mostly it’s not to make a statement or stand out, it’s to hide flaws and imperfections. Ironically, most of the time women are wearing make up to ‘get the natural look’. Hair products seem to be a little more evenly spread across the genders nowadays, but still, the average woman will own more hair products than the average man.

4. Dieting. This is a tricky one as it’s more psychological. I know men are pressured on their appearance too, and plenty of men I know are quite conscious of diet and exercise. But I also know it’s not the same. The ‘ideal’ for men (as presented in the media) is muscly, strong, healthy, powerful. In order to get that body, there is a lot of focus on exercise and nutrition. It’s not always about eating less, it’s about eating the right things. The ‘ideal’ for women, as presented in the media, is skinny. The athletic look is very popular too at the moment, but skinny still prevails. And for a lot of women, losing weight is something they are constantly trying to do. Health and strength is not the priority here, thinness is. And in order to get that skinny, a lot of women are prepared to do some pretty unhealthy things.

Again this is a tricky topic. I am aware that men suffer from eating disorders too. And it’s terrible. But it must be acknowledged that an estimated 75-85% of people suffering from eating disorders are female. That in a recent US study it was found that 80% of ten year old girls have been on a diet. And the number one wish for girls between 11 and 17 was to be thinner. When it comes to body image – men and women (in general) tread very different paths.

Most diet products/schemes are marketed to women. That kinda says enough doesn’t it.

5. Body hair. While many men choose to get rid of their body hair, it is considered completely normal for them to keep every single hair that Mother Nature gave them. No-one would bat an eyelid. But how many women do you know who have kept their armpit hair, leg hair and pubic hair? The societal norm is to axe all three. It’s fairly common to keep one, maybe even two. But all three? I’m struggling to recall any girl I know who does. (Isn’t it funny that by being the full version of the female form that you are, you are somehow considered less of a woman? ‘She’s got hairy legs like a man’… No. She’s got hairy legs like a woman. Women are hairy. I could say a lot on this subject but I'll just link you to this pretty good article instead)

Now. We did not come out of the womb with a natural desire for clothes, make up, and to shave our privates. These are societal norms which have been imposed upon us. In general, when a man goes on a night out he will make an effort to look good. However, comfort and wellbeing is not brushed aside for the sake of looking good. They usually manage to wear sensible shoes, warm clothes AND fit in with society's standards. For women, however, looking good takes priority over comfort and wellbeing. Most will put make up that is bad for their skin on their face, wear shoes that are bad for their legs, and clothes that will leave them far too cold at the end of the night. Because that's what we have to do if we want to look the way the world tells us we should look.

And where does this leave us? Well, it's very easy for men to then turn around and say 'look at these stupid women who spend hours dolling themselves up and stagger in shoes that they can barely walk in'. And yeah, when you think about it, it's silly for us to put ourselves through the pain and expense for the sake of looking beautiful. It's easy to look at that behaviour and label it as vain, ridiculous, superficial, silly.

But hang on a minute – this is what we have been told to do ALL OUR LIVES.

It's completely unfair that we are criticized for conforming to societal norms!

The media constantly points us in this direction. Magazines are constantly telling us that beauty is our priority. When a female member of the public gets interviewed, nine times out of ten she there will be questions about her diet and appearance. What does that teach us? That diet and appearance is one of the most important parts of being a woman. Nasty comments in newspapers about ‘frumpy’ female politicians teach us that what they look like is more important than their policies. The first question asked of Oscar nominated actresses on the red carpet is ‘who are you wearing’ – this teaches us that their dress is more important than their achievement.

Now of course – we KNOW that an actresses dress is not actually more important than her Oscar nomination. We know that a politician’s policies are more important than her appearance. We know it in our heads, but when this idea that the most important thing a woman can do is look good is subtly (and often not so subtly) transmitted to us nonstop – of course it has an effect! So we do as we are told, we buy the products and the clothes and we put on the make-up and then somehow we are penalised for it. So what can we do? Go the other way? Well, a woman in a suit with no make-up and all her body hair is gonna get penalised too. Either way, the focus is on her appearance. It is something we cannot escape from.

(most eloquent quote I ever posted)

It all starts at a young age, too. Here is a quote from a female character in a children’s TV show I saw last year – ‘I can’t be happy if I don’t look pretty at the party’ – I was desperately hoping they might teach her that she didn’t need to look pretty to be happy. No, they helped her find a costume and sent her on her happy pretty way. Being pretty is the most important thing a girl can do. This is what we are taught.

And when I say ‘we’ – I mean all of us. Men and women. We are all taught in thousands of very subtle ways that a woman’s most important job is to look good. So that’s why men think that it’s ok to cat call – because they are congratulating the woman on fulfilling her duty. It’s a woman’s job to look good and a man’s job to tell them so. 

But women don’t go out looking good because they want men’s approval. It goes deeper than that. Women go out looking good because they are made to feel like they have no other choice. We all want to fit in, and in today's society it’s the norm for a woman to look flawless. So we do it to fit in and get by. But when a man catcalls a woman, he reinforces the idea that his opinion of her appearance is important. And to expect a woman to smile and take the ‘compliment’ is expecting them to accept that this is the way things are supposed to be. Just lie down and take it.

The most infuriating cat call (in my opinion) is 'Smile! You look pretty when you smile.' What, so I'm supposed to contort my face in a way that it doesn't naturally sit so that you have something nice to look at? I'm supposed to just walk around smiling all the time so that I look pretty for you? 

The hardest thing is, by doing what is deemed the most socially acceptable thing, and putting on make up to make ourselves look flawless, we are ourselves giving in to and validating the idea that looking good is an essential part of being a woman. In trying to fit in, we do ourselves no favours. But sometimes that feels preferable to standing out.

So it seems either we do the things that society tells us to do, and risk being labelled as silly and superficial. Or we go against the grain, and risk being ridiculed, judged, and (perhaps the worst of all) disregarded/ignored.

To be specific, I know that if I do shave my legs I am validating the idea that smooth legs somehow brings more value to me as a person, and also perpetrating the stereotype of the vain woman. If I don't, I risk being judged and labeled as 'manly' just for letting my body be it's natural self. 

You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

In a nutshell: If a man conforms to society's idea of beauty, he generally won't be criticized for it. If a woman conforms to society's idea of beauty, she will often still fall under criticism. 

And that’s why being a woman is hard.

Thanks for reading :) as a little note - I realize I have spoken in very broad terms, made a lot of generalizations and skirted over a few things. But hey, I can't cover all the grey areas of sexism! What's most important is that we recognize that this 'double bind' women are in is very real and hurts us all. Gender equality is an issue for all human beings. And the privileged among us have to fight just as hard as the less privileged. Then something can be done.

Love love love.