The Double Bind of Being a Woman

Hello :) Having a little break from challenges until Saturday, when National Novel Writing Month officially kicks off.

So for now I would like to blog about something very dear to my heart: Feminism. 

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend last night about the subtleties of sexism, and the importance of recognising them. It’s vital that we recognise that many instances of sexism are very subtle (check out the everyday sexism project if you don’t believe me) and it’s that very subtlety that makes it hard to fight.

We spoke a lot about the issue of cat calling. There are plenty of men out there who really believe that shouting out ‘sexy’ and ‘beautiful’ should be taken as a compliment. The words themselves are complimentary after all. But context is the important thing here. For one thing, when a stranger shouts ANYTHING at you in the street, it feels intimidating. Doesn’t matter what it is. For another thing, a man who shouts ‘beautiful’ at me and then thinks that I should smile and take it as a compliment MUST therefore think that his opinion of my appearance should be important to me. I should care what he thinks. I should be flattered, nay, honoured that he approves of the way I look.

When you put it like that it makes you think, doesn’t it? 

Now why is it that so many people (men and women) think that the male opinion of the female form is so important? Well, because we’re taught that it is. What does every Disney princess have in common? Beauty. And who is it that calls them beautiful (and generally decides their worth based on that fact)? The men. One of the only princesses who doesn't seem to care so much about beauty, and cares more about what is in the inside is Belle. But that's easy for her, isn't it? BECAUSE HER NAME LITERALLY MEANS BEAUTY.

Anyway... moving on... It's not just through Disney, but through all areas of the media that we are taught that beauty is a vital part of being a woman. And sometimes it is very subtle, and that makes it even more dangerous, because we don't even see it happening.

Speaking in very broad terms, here are some basic differences between men and women in our society today.

1. Women tend to have more clothes. For really posh events, plenty of men only have the one suit. Most women tend to have a lot of dresses, each of which will only be worn a few times.

2.Shoes. Shoes get their own category. Stereotypically, women have a LOT of shoes. And of course, there’s the high heel. High heels make your legs look effing excellent. They also hurt, a lot. But most of us wear them anyway because they look great. Men on the other hand, tend to wear shoes that won’t leave their calves aching and their toes blistered the next day. Even if they are shoe lovers and have twenty pairs, those shoes will usually be pretty comfy.

3.Women wear more make up. It’s very rare that you’ll see a man wearing make up in day to day life. And if they do it’s more often quite striking, bold lines and colours – making a statement. Whereas most women wear make up on a day to day basis – and mostly it’s not to make a statement or stand out, it’s to hide flaws and imperfections. Ironically, most of the time women are wearing make up to ‘get the natural look’. Hair products seem to be a little more evenly spread across the genders nowadays, but still, the average woman will own more hair products than the average man.

4. Dieting. This is a tricky one as it’s more psychological. I know men are pressured on their appearance too, and plenty of men I know are quite conscious of diet and exercise. But I also know it’s not the same. The ‘ideal’ for men (as presented in the media) is muscly, strong, healthy, powerful. In order to get that body, there is a lot of focus on exercise and nutrition. It’s not always about eating less, it’s about eating the right things. The ‘ideal’ for women, as presented in the media, is skinny. The athletic look is very popular too at the moment, but skinny still prevails. And for a lot of women, losing weight is something they are constantly trying to do. Health and strength is not the priority here, thinness is. And in order to get that skinny, a lot of women are prepared to do some pretty unhealthy things.

Again this is a tricky topic. I am aware that men suffer from eating disorders too. And it’s terrible. But it must be acknowledged that an estimated 75-85% of people suffering from eating disorders are female. That in a recent US study it was found that 80% of ten year old girls have been on a diet. And the number one wish for girls between 11 and 17 was to be thinner. When it comes to body image – men and women (in general) tread very different paths.

Most diet products/schemes are marketed to women. That kinda says enough doesn’t it.

5. Body hair. While many men choose to get rid of their body hair, it is considered completely normal for them to keep every single hair that Mother Nature gave them. No-one would bat an eyelid. But how many women do you know who have kept their armpit hair, leg hair and pubic hair? The societal norm is to axe all three. It’s fairly common to keep one, maybe even two. But all three? I’m struggling to recall any girl I know who does. (Isn’t it funny that by being the full version of the female form that you are, you are somehow considered less of a woman? ‘She’s got hairy legs like a man’… No. She’s got hairy legs like a woman. Women are hairy. I could say a lot on this subject but I'll just link you to this pretty good article instead)

Now. We did not come out of the womb with a natural desire for clothes, make up, and to shave our privates. These are societal norms which have been imposed upon us. In general, when a man goes on a night out he will make an effort to look good. However, comfort and wellbeing is not brushed aside for the sake of looking good. They usually manage to wear sensible shoes, warm clothes AND fit in with society's standards. For women, however, looking good takes priority over comfort and wellbeing. Most will put make up that is bad for their skin on their face, wear shoes that are bad for their legs, and clothes that will leave them far too cold at the end of the night. Because that's what we have to do if we want to look the way the world tells us we should look.

And where does this leave us? Well, it's very easy for men to then turn around and say 'look at these stupid women who spend hours dolling themselves up and stagger in shoes that they can barely walk in'. And yeah, when you think about it, it's silly for us to put ourselves through the pain and expense for the sake of looking beautiful. It's easy to look at that behaviour and label it as vain, ridiculous, superficial, silly.

But hang on a minute – this is what we have been told to do ALL OUR LIVES.

It's completely unfair that we are criticized for conforming to societal norms!

The media constantly points us in this direction. Magazines are constantly telling us that beauty is our priority. When a female member of the public gets interviewed, nine times out of ten she there will be questions about her diet and appearance. What does that teach us? That diet and appearance is one of the most important parts of being a woman. Nasty comments in newspapers about ‘frumpy’ female politicians teach us that what they look like is more important than their policies. The first question asked of Oscar nominated actresses on the red carpet is ‘who are you wearing’ – this teaches us that their dress is more important than their achievement.

Now of course – we KNOW that an actresses dress is not actually more important than her Oscar nomination. We know that a politician’s policies are more important than her appearance. We know it in our heads, but when this idea that the most important thing a woman can do is look good is subtly (and often not so subtly) transmitted to us nonstop – of course it has an effect! So we do as we are told, we buy the products and the clothes and we put on the make-up and then somehow we are penalised for it. So what can we do? Go the other way? Well, a woman in a suit with no make-up and all her body hair is gonna get penalised too. Either way, the focus is on her appearance. It is something we cannot escape from.

(most eloquent quote I ever posted)

It all starts at a young age, too. Here is a quote from a female character in a children’s TV show I saw last year – ‘I can’t be happy if I don’t look pretty at the party’ – I was desperately hoping they might teach her that she didn’t need to look pretty to be happy. No, they helped her find a costume and sent her on her happy pretty way. Being pretty is the most important thing a girl can do. This is what we are taught.

And when I say ‘we’ – I mean all of us. Men and women. We are all taught in thousands of very subtle ways that a woman’s most important job is to look good. So that’s why men think that it’s ok to cat call – because they are congratulating the woman on fulfilling her duty. It’s a woman’s job to look good and a man’s job to tell them so. 

But women don’t go out looking good because they want men’s approval. It goes deeper than that. Women go out looking good because they are made to feel like they have no other choice. We all want to fit in, and in today's society it’s the norm for a woman to look flawless. So we do it to fit in and get by. But when a man catcalls a woman, he reinforces the idea that his opinion of her appearance is important. And to expect a woman to smile and take the ‘compliment’ is expecting them to accept that this is the way things are supposed to be. Just lie down and take it.

The most infuriating cat call (in my opinion) is 'Smile! You look pretty when you smile.' What, so I'm supposed to contort my face in a way that it doesn't naturally sit so that you have something nice to look at? I'm supposed to just walk around smiling all the time so that I look pretty for you? 

The hardest thing is, by doing what is deemed the most socially acceptable thing, and putting on make up to make ourselves look flawless, we are ourselves giving in to and validating the idea that looking good is an essential part of being a woman. In trying to fit in, we do ourselves no favours. But sometimes that feels preferable to standing out.

So it seems either we do the things that society tells us to do, and risk being labelled as silly and superficial. Or we go against the grain, and risk being ridiculed, judged, and (perhaps the worst of all) disregarded/ignored.

To be specific, I know that if I do shave my legs I am validating the idea that smooth legs somehow brings more value to me as a person, and also perpetrating the stereotype of the vain woman. If I don't, I risk being judged and labeled as 'manly' just for letting my body be it's natural self. 

You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

In a nutshell: If a man conforms to society's idea of beauty, he generally won't be criticized for it. If a woman conforms to society's idea of beauty, she will often still fall under criticism. 

And that’s why being a woman is hard.

Thanks for reading :) as a little note - I realize I have spoken in very broad terms, made a lot of generalizations and skirted over a few things. But hey, I can't cover all the grey areas of sexism! What's most important is that we recognize that this 'double bind' women are in is very real and hurts us all. Gender equality is an issue for all human beings. And the privileged among us have to fight just as hard as the less privileged. Then something can be done.

Love love love.

The Little Things

Well I am nearing the end of my challenge. And I have to say this one has not been very challenging.

It was never intended to be really.

The last month I've been a busy bee, and needed to be using my time more efficiently. I didn't want to give myself a challenge that used time, I needed one that would help me save it. So that is why I decided to cut down TV and Facebook. I knew it would help me to get a bit more focus, and it did. A very good friend of mine pointed out that with this challenge I already knew what I was going to get out of it, the lesson was pretty much learned before I even started. I just knew it was something I needed to do.

Nevertheless, I have still learned a few new things that have made this month valuable :)

1. I really do love 'Neighbours'. I had to see if I could go a month without it, and I can, so I'm happy with that, but I can't deny how much I have missed it. And it's safe to say I will be catching up on what I have missed! I'm sorry world, I love a really terrible Australian soap and that is never going to change. (For those of you who ever watched it, Karl and Susan are still there. They broke up and got back together, again. And have now been living on the street for twenty years!!)

TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES, PEOPLE!

2. That being said, having only a few 'treat' shows is a really great way of living. Since the Bake Off ended, Dr Who has been my only TV indulgence (movies aside) and I have looked forward to it all the more because of it. It feels like a proper treat to myself, and I feel like I earn it by not watching other crap. I just think when you have less of something you appreciate it so much more. So I'm gonna carry on limiting what I watch, because I think it's much better to only watch the things you love, and spend the rest of your time doing other things you love too.

3. I actually value Facebook more than I thought I did. Yes, I did write a rant about the perils of facebook but I have also learned to appreciate what it's actually good for. Facebook is a great communication tool, and it brings me closer to people who I never otherwise would keep in touch with. Also, when used wisely, it can become a great place to share ideas and discover new things. It's so useful in this busy era we live in to have a place where you can really organize your social life and also just enjoy each other. There's a lot of harmless fun to Facebook that I've been missing! Strangely, through using it a lot less, I have actually seen how good Facebook can be. It has a lot of merits as well as lot of issues. Like I say, you just have to use it wisely. So I will be becoming more Facebook active again very soon, but I shall be avoiding the dreaded facebook scroll which turns me into a zombie, because that is never good. I think a healthy middle ground can be found :)

4. Through the challenge itself, I have learned to appreciate that by making tiny adjustments to your life you can make a big difference. All I did was give up a few things I didn't really need, and it wasn't even difficult, but it has done me the world of good. I am getting a lot more done and my brain does just feel a bit healthier all round! So yes, the little things are important, and self awareness is the key. The more challenges I do, the more aware I am becoming of who I am as a person, and what I need (or don't need) in order to be happy. It's so so easy to let things slip and you need to be aware when you do so that you can pick yourself back up (see my last post on that one)

All in all, though it's been an easy challenge, it has really been as valuable as the others. It's another stepping stone being the person that I want to be. It's not over quite yet, but I think I have said all that needs to be said on the subject. Next month is National Novel Writing Month, and my challenge will be to write a 50,000 word Novel in thirty days. Not such an easy challenge!! So I will be updating you on that soon.

Whoever is reading this, hope you have a nice day and take a moment to appreciate the little things in life you can do for yourself that make you happy :)

The Hard Work of Happiness

Yesterday I went to bed feeling like utter shite.

I had had a pretty good day really, went out for a lovely meal with a friend and had a great time. Then I came back home and went into a downward spiral of eugh. I flopped like a sack of potatoes and ended up breaking my challenge rules and scrolling on facebook - which didn't help one bit. Before I went to bed I tried to do some writing and just couldn't focus at all. It was the first time I had felt so rubbish in a long time. 

So I thought to myself, why?

Over the last few months I have been learning little tricks to my own well being. Healthy eating, exercise, mediation, using time productively, juggling, keeping my space nice and tidy. Having spent most of the day eating crappy food and procrastinating, and now sitting in my bomb-site of a room, I realised what the problem was. I hadn't ticked anything off my 'Happy Ellie Check-list'. It was the first time in a long while I hadn't done any of it. In fact, I had actively ticked off some of the things on my 'Sad Ellie Check-list' - crappy food, mindless procrastination, messiness, laziness. All of these habits are so easy to slip into but they do me no good! I thought of one of my recent blog posts and realised I needed to give myself some TLC.

So I set my alarm nice and early and got up with an aim to actively improve my mood. I worked out, I stretched, I made myself a really healthy breakfast and packed lunch, I meditated, I tidied my room. Just ten minutes into the work out and I already felt better. Now, having had my lovely lunch, I feel back to normal! 

In a way, I'm glad yesterday happened. It was a gentle reminder that I am in charge of my own well being. Happiness is hard work. It doesn't come easily. You have to chip away at it every day. But when the results are so rewarding, it doesn't feel like hard work any more. It just feels right. Getting up early for a work out doesn't feel like a chore, because I know it will make me feel good for the rest of the day. Meditating is such a part of my routine now that I feel really unfocussed and out of sorts without it. Strangely enough, the days in which I don't put in the effort and just laze around actually feel like much harder work, because trying to be in a good mood without any of my mood boosters in nigh on impossible! Time drags, each moment feels like an effort to live through. And then the procrastination spiral begins: distracting myself from my own bad mood.

I think one of the reasons this happened yesterday is because I had a day off. Usually I have a schedule. Let's say I have uni, I will make sure I set my alarm so that I can get a work out and a mediation session in before I go in. If I don't do it in the morning I won't do it at all, so I make sure I get it done. Yesterday I didn't need to set an alarm, and there was nowhere I needed to be, so those usual morning tasks got pushed back and then forgotten completely. On a day when could have achieved so much with all my spare time, I actually achieved very little. It's funny, I am so much more productive when I have less time on my hands!

So what can I learn from this? For some people, a lazy day in front of the TV with a pizza and a tub of iced cream is exactly what they need once in a while. But I know that that doesn't work for me. I need a bit of a routine, I need a schedule, I need tasks and goals. I like being busy. It makes me feel good. Most of the time Uni keeps me busy but sometimes it doesn't. And then it's up to me. If I want to get that little 'yeah, life is great' feeling then I need to keep myself occupied. Make plans, make my own little schedules, set my own goals. It wouldn't work for everyone, but it works for me. And my well being and happiness is my responsibility. It's up to me to make it happen. 

So from this point on, I am dedicated to putting in the hard work that is needed to make myself feel good every single day. Because if there's one thing I can draw from this entire challenge experience, it's that happiness is worth the hard work. 

Seven days left till the next adventure. 

The Worrying Thing about Facebook

Since cutting down on my Facebook usage, it’s relevance to my life has been very much on my mind. I’ve realised that, despite the fact that I use it every day, there are a lot of things about Facebook that worry me.

It’s a given that you are on Facebook. We assume that everyone is on there. And to be fair, it’s a pretty normal assumption to make, as most people are in fact on it. Not long ago I said to someone ‘I’ll add you on Facebook’ and they said ‘Oh I don’t have it’ – and I was genuinely really taken aback. It had been a while since anyone had said that. For a second I was thinking ‘how am I going to keep in touch with this person?’ and then I remembered the magical invention of mobile phones. However, it has to be said that because I am so used to contacting people through Facebook, other methods of communication are largely ignored which leads me to…

We are so used to using it we don't know how to go without it. Back in the days before social networking, I used to text a lot more. I used to ring my friends a lot more. If I had something to say, I had to find someone to say it to. I didn’t just stick it on Facebook and let the internet do my work for me. Now, if someone isn’t on Facebook, I probably just don’t communicate with them. I’m so used to the ease of Facebook now, anything else seems like effort. I don’t usually go on Facebook with the aim of contacting anyone in particular. More often, I will go on, scroll through the feed, see something a friend has posted, and then comment or message or like. It’s like a little service reminding me to be social. In some ways I think this is great. I actually have some really strong friendships that have been largely formed through Facebook. But I wonder; is it making me lazy? I hate the idea of losing out on a friendship because they’re not on Facebook and I’m too lazy to maintain it any other way.

The Relationship Status. I personally hate it, but I know most people like to use it. I realised how much I hated the relationship status thing when I was sixteen and going through a break up. He was an avid Facebook user. I knew that he would go home and immediately update it if I didn’t stop him. And I (being very upset at being dumped) wanted the chance to tell my friends face to face. I didn’t want everyone on Facebook to know until I had a chance to tell those closest to me. And so I had to ask him to wait a day, which he did. But the fact that I had to even ask was upsetting. 

Years later, new boyfriend, I told him I don’t really want to put the relationship on Facebook because I think it’s nobody’s business but mine. He was largely ok with it, but a part of him felt that I was in some way ashamed of him, or wanted people to think I was single. This was ridiculous! For one thing, if I wanted people to think I was single I would have put ‘single’ instead of leaving it blank. But also, people shouldn’t look to my Facebook page to find out the details of my personal life. They should ask me. And if they think because I don’t have a relationship status that means I’m single, then they are fools. However, I ended up relenting when I moved to university. He was nervous about us doing long distance, and so I thought it would make him feel more secure. But isn’t that sad? Declaring something on Facebook shouldn’t make it feel more real. Especially when it comes to love. 

When it came to breaking up (this time it was me that was ending things) I was reminded of why I didn’t want it in the first place. Break ups are hard enough without the formality of taking it off Facebook. And you know, the two weeks between breaking up and then taking it off Facebook genuinely felt like some kind of purgatory, we weren’t together any more but in some sense we still were… It only really felt over when we took it down. That’s so strange to me; Facebook shouldn’t have any influence over my relationships!! And so, I have vowed never to put a relationship status on Facebook again.

Facebook has made pretty strange behaviour socially acceptable. In the real world, nobody likes a show off. Nobody likes that person who just goes on about themselves nonstop. But our Facebook profiles are essentially just that. There are varying degrees of course. My sister, for example, has never made a Facebook status. She doesn’t like or comment on things. She puts photos up, but mostly because she knows her friends will want to see them. She’s only had two profile pictures (her current one is four years old) She essentially has always done what I am currently trying to do, use Facebook primarily for keeping in touch with people. We message fairly frequently, and I know she reads these blogs that I post. She is not a Facebook show off. Then there’s the other end of the scale: endless status updates (often emotional venting), constantly telling us where they are and what they’re doing, often accompanying pictures (usually of food). But what’s funny is that these people are much more common on Facebook than people like my sister. Showing off on Facebook is pretty normal.

Of course most of us are somewhere in the middle – but even the middle is pretty showy offy. Challenge aside, I would consider myself one of these middle people – updating my status once or twice a day, changing my profile picture about once a month. My profile includes my home city, current city, birthday, place of work, educational history. Quite a lot of stuff out there really, you can find out all about me without even talking to me. It seems it has become normal to put a lot of personal information online, we don’t bat an eyelid.

And then there’s stalking, or ‘Facebook stalking’. Like I said, you can find out a lot about me without talking to me. If you went through other methods to find all that information, you would be a full blown stalker. But on Facebook it’s different, because I’ve put the information out there, so it’s ok. Hey, I’ve done loads of Facebook stalking myself. One of the first things I do when I get a new friend is look back through their profile pictures. I don’t really know why I do it. I guess it’s a quick and easy way of finding out more about that person. You can tell a lot about people based on the pictures they use. And it’s so easy! But again is it making us lazy? Do we rely too much on Facebook to make us feel closer to people?

Emotional Venting. So this is in reference to those Facebook show offs. We all know someone on Facebook who posts things like ‘I’m so ugly’ or ‘Some people are such dicks, you know who you are’ or one of my least favourites ‘I’m in such a bad mood’ – then someone comments and asks why and they’re like ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ – clearly you do. Most of us find this kind of stuff really irritating – and brush it away as attention seeking. But when I really think about it, I find it more sad than irritating. I find it sad that instead of ringing a friend or loved one and talking it through, people are just pasting their issues all over the internet, not caring who sees it, just wanting SOMEONE to see it. And again, this kind of behaviour has been pretty normalised. It worries me that people turn to Facebook for emotional relief. I don't think it's very healthy.

Seeking Validation. Another thing I think a lot of people do through Facebook is seek validation. A lot of people do it without realising it. I know I do. I’ve noticed a lot since starting this challenge that if I think of something witty or funny I almost immediately think ‘I’ll put that as my Facebook status’. The fact that my brain flicks to Facebook so often is worrying enough. Then there’s the fact that if I did post said funny thought, I would be waiting for the likes and comments to role in. The more likes and comments, the better I feel. You can apply the same thing to profile pictures. If all you wanted was for people to see what you looked like, then you would do what my sister does, choose one photo and leave it there for years. But no, most of us choose a pretty/funny/interesting photo that shows off our personality in one frame, we put it up, we watch the likes and comments roll in. Then eventually we get bored and choose a prettier/funnier/more interesting photo that shows you off even better (because you’re not that person you were last month) and watch the likes and comments roll in. The validation feels good, but it doesn’t last forever. So we keep on posting. I think most people are guilty of using Facebook in this way. We use it to validate ourselves and make ourselves feel good. We shouldn’t have to do that. We really shouldn’t.

It’s so addictive and time consuming. A while ago I had an iPhone and would spend so much time just scrolling through my Facebook feed. I got nothing from it. It was boring. It’s kind of like when you’re hungry and you keep opening the cupboards hoping something will magically appear. You open up Facebook looking for some entertainment, but it’s the same old thing again. Honestly, I think my time is better spent just sitting and thinking about life, rather than scrolling mindlessly. At least then my mind would be engaged. But somehow, despite the fact that I know I gain nothing from scrolling through Facebook, I end up doing it anyway. It really can become an addiction. And I hate the idea of being addicted to anything. That’s why I’m cutting down. I also have come to the realisation that if we spent less time ‘socialising’ on Facebook we could spend more time actually socialising. Now that I am using my time more efficiently, I get what needs to be done done, and then I have more time for seeing my friends. Ironically, since cutting down on this social network I have become much more social. This proves my theory that the more we build our online connections, the more we neglect our offline ones. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m reliant on it. As with any addiction, it becomes a crutch. I wish I was brave enough to throw it away completely, but I really do depend on Facebook for so much nowadays. So much information I need for uni is circulated through Facebook. I even need it as part of my career. In this ever changing world, sometimes you have to go with the flow or you get left behind.

It’s so cold. Ultimately it’s a bright screen with a load of buttons. It isn’t tangible, it isn’t real. We spend a lot of time documenting our lives than actually living it. Again, in reference to those Facebook show offs – stop taking photos of your food and start eating it! Stop showing us what a great time you’re having and just enjoy the moment. You can always tell the story to your friends in person. You don’t have to document it, you can just remember it. Can an experience be truly experienced if you’re viewing it through a lens? I’m not sure. I personally think Facebook is one of the many things in this world of technology that is making us more distant from really experiencing living.

But do you know what the most worrying thing about Facebook is? It’s the fact that despite all of this, despite the many reasons I have for hating it, despite all of the things I find grotesque, disturbing and wrong about the whole thing….

I love Facebook.

Not only do I love messaging people, but I love updating my status, I love the pictures, I love seeing what people are up to, I love sharing interesting things with hundreds of people, I love how easy it is to keep in touch, I love using it to post this blog (nobody would read it otherwise!) I love finding the odd gem that some random person has posted that really affects me (the Ted Talk that inspired this entire project was posted on Facebook) I love getting loads of birthday wishes, I love how it brings people together for common causes, I love how whole movements can happen through Facebook.

I really love it.

And there are parts of it that I really miss.

But then there are parts of it that I really don’t.

So no, I shall never give it up entirely, but this challenge really is making me think about how I use my Facebook. When it’s over, I shall probably be finding some kind of middle ground between what I was doing before and what I’m doing now. But the most important thing is that I’m becoming more conscious of what I’m doing, and not just mindlessly following the trend.

Sixteen more days!

How to love yourself: Finding your Inner Child

Today I’m doing something slightly different. This post isn’t so much about my current challenge, but about the new philosophy and attitude to life I have adopted since starting this whole thing. I am on a journey towards true self love – and this is my theory on how to get there.

Imagine you have a child.

Some of you may not have to imagine.

How would you treat this child of yours?

Would you feed them junk food every day? Would you starve them? Or make sure they have a balanced, nutritious diet?

Would you let them sit in front of the TV/computer every day and night? Or would you make sure they get outside and get exercise so that they can be fit and strong?

Would you let them get bored? Or would you give them stimulating activities to do? Would you limit their experience of the world, or encourage them to explore it? Would you teach them nothing, or help them to learn?

When that child makes a mistake, would you punish them endlessly? Or would you help them learn and move on?

When that child feels sad, would you let them wallow and indulge or would you try to cheer them up? When something bad happens to them, would you blame them for it? Or would you help them through it?

Basically what I’m asking is: if you had a child to look after, would you neglect that child? Or would you treat it with love and kindness. I’m sure you’re all thinking the latter.

We all know how to love other people, whether it’s children, friends, family, even pets. We know how we should treat them. But we don’t seem to know how to treat ourselves.

If a child is neglected they start to think that they are worthless. They blame themselves. They become unhappy, unhealthy people. They cannot love themselves because they don’t know love. But when a child is loved they can feel it. They start recognize their own value, because they see how much they are valued by others.

Now I think you know where I’m going with this.

If you want to feel happy, you have to treat yourself with the love and care that you would treat that child with. Eat well, exercise, find balance between work and play, encourage yourself to learn more and experience more, stimulate your brain, forgive yourself when you make mistakes, do things that make you feel good. And by good I mean genuinely good, not ‘this is gonna hurt tomorrow good’ (although there’s room for that sometimes – indulgences are good too!)

If you don’t treat yourself with love, you won’t feel like you deserve it. If you don’t treat yourself with respect, you won’t feel like you deserve it. Happiness comes from within, and you are the only person who can make that happen. So find that inner child, and stop neglecting them.

As for the challenge – I am finding myself spending a lot less time vegetating and a lot more time thinking, feeling, doing, talking, writing. I think we can expect more posts like this this month.

Twenty four more days. 

Is this what I've been missing out on?

Right.

I have only completed three days of my challenge, and I am astonished. On Monday night I got home and made my dinner, checked my messages and then thought: now what? Well, I juggled, I did some work, I read a little and then I got an early night. The next morning I ended up getting to uni super early because I was ready so quickly. So I got some extra work done before my rehearsal. Then last night, because I had done so much work in the morning, I took the evening to socialize and catch up with my friends. All month I've been meaning to read some plays in search for acting material, now I've read three in three days. In fact, I have achieved more in the past three days than I do most weeks! I'm on top of everything. And now I’m sitting here, writing this, with a whole evening ahead of me.

Where is all this time coming from? Has it been here all along?

I remember when I was little and I wasn’t allowed to watch too much TV, and we didn’t have a computer. I remember endless arts and crafts, reading, playing with my toys, drawing, writing stories. I remember sometimes having exhausted all of these options and declaring ‘I’m bored’, the day was going on forever! And then you grow up, and time seems to slip away. Of course, a part of this is because you take on responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, work. But looking back, I remember things did change a lot for me when I was about twelve: when the internet and freeview TV became a part of my everyday life. Slowly but surely, more and more of my time was being spent in front of a screen. Now I have cut down (not even given up completely!) and already I am overwhelmed by the time I am surrounded by. I feel like I am getting that feeling back of having long days ahead of me full of possibilities.

It’s all so exciting. I really can’t wait to see what else this month brings.

Twenty seven days to fill!