Sorting Out my Priorities

It’s time for a new challenge. The meditation challenge made me very reflective and I really began to examine how I spend my time. It’s so easy to slip into the habit of doing activities that don’t really stimulate the brain or even make you feel good. The habits I am referring to are watching crappy TV and scrolling mindlessly through facebook. I don’t know why I indulge in these things, but I do, and it takes up an alarming part of my day.

So my initial thought was to cut both out completely.

But I’m not going to do that.

First of all, facebook is unfortunately a key part of my life now. It is how my classmates and I communicate on pretty important stuff. If I didn’t go on it a lot of things would fall to shit, and I can’t expect other people to change their habits and do things differently just because I want to purge myself of facebook. So I need to go on it from time to time. I have decided my maximum allowance is three times a day. Once in the morning, once when I get back from uni and once before I go to bed. Already this seems like a lot, but trust me it will be hard for me. And I genuinely need to check it that often for any updates about my rehearsals etc. 

There are some other rules as well:

When I open facebook, I will read/respond to my notifications and any messages, and then I will immediately shut it down. I will not scroll through my wall. I will not read any articles people post, ‘like’ or post any statuses, watch any videos, nothing. I’m going to keep my activity strictly to communication.

Now for the TV side of things. I could cut out all TV, I could. But then I thought of two things: The Great British Bake Off and Dr Who. The thought of losing those shows made my face do this:

I'd love to see Dr Who - Bake Off hybrid. Mary Berry would make a great alien. 

BBC make it happen.

I love these shows, they are only on once a year, and they don’t hang around on iplayer very long. If I cut out all TV I would be depriving myself of some genuine treats that I have waited for all year. And for what? I don’t actually think all TV is bad, I just think I should watch less of it, and that I should prioritize what I watch. So that’s what I’m going to do. Bake Off and Dr Who are going to be my only two TV indulgences of the week. Because of this, I won’t have to do what I often do, which is multitask and do other things whilst it’s on in the background so I can fit it all in. I can actually sit down, take some leisurely time and really enjoy the show to its fullest. And all the time I would have spent watching crappy, not important TV I will spend doing other things, like my homework for instance.

Yep, the main reason I am doing all of this is because I have a big show on at the moment, and I need to be committing a lot of time to it. But I also need a balance, I need to see my friends and do social things otherwise I will become miserable! Work and social life have to take priority right now. Mindless procrastination has to go.

So there, it’s gone.

Here’s to a productive and fulfilling month.

Some Self Reflection

So I’ve been meditating for a month now. And of course, that has made me think a lot and reflect on life somewhat. I genuinely think some really positive changes have begun to take place.

No matter what is going on, no matter how stressed or upset or angry or tired I might be, I have found a way to start each day in a good head space. And it makes such a difference. I’ve been timing it well so that I get up, shower and eat and get ready, and then the last thing I do before I leave is meditate. Then I walk out of the door feeling great. Starting your day in a positive way is so important, and I feel like it really influences how I am going to deal with anything that happens that day. I can approach life with a smile, which is exactly how it should be.

Thought it had been a while since I used an adorable cat to make us all get squishy in our feels.

I worry less now, which is amazing. I am such a worrier it’s unbelievable, but I’ve started to let things go a lot easier and just focus on what’s really important. I think it’s because when I come out of a meditation session I feel so good that I can really evaluate my ‘problems’ and see that they are just blips, and that spending time worrying over them does nothing. Most of my worrying involves regret – ‘I should have done more work last night’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said that thing to that person’ – but I am really learning now to forgive myself any of these little hiccups, learn from it and move on. It sounds cheesy, but life really is too short for that stuff.

I have a new habit and I think it might be something to do with meditation. I am very tidy now. Like – everything has its proper place and I make my bed every single day kind of tidy. In the 22 years that I have been alive, this has never happened for more than three days in a row. Now it’s been thirty. Whuuuuut? When I moved back into my Birmingham house, obviously I unpacked everything to its proper place and made the room look nice – didn’t want to get off to a bad start! But usually what would happen is that during the week everything would get moved and not put back, my clothes would litter the floor and my bed would have no attention paid to it whatsoever. Then I discovered that after meditation, when I had worked so hard to clear my head, if I opened my eyes to clutter I would feel like this:

Which is not ideal. So I would immediately tidy it up. I realized that if my space is out of balance, I feel out of balance, and so I dedicate a teeny tiny part of my day, less than a minute, to making my room look tidy each morning. Which is much more efficient than letting it get messy and then spending half a day sorting it.

In fact, I think efficiency is the main thing I have gained from this experience. When I have a problem I don’t waste time worrying about it, I just fix it and move on. And by being willing to fix little problems and do little things every day, rather than letting my responsibilities build, I don’t have that moment when I feel like everything’s on top of me and I’m going to get crushed under the weight of it all. Everything just feels so much simpler and easier now.

Most of all, I have learned the importance of taking time for yourself, every day. We all claim not to have enough time for that, but often that simply isn’t true. The truth is we don’t prioritize ourselves. There are 24 hours in each day, and you probably spend about 16 of them awake. Surely within those 16 hours you can find half an hour for just yourself? I think if you want to be happy you need to treat yourself with the love and kindness you treat others with. And that means making time for just you, and no one else. Just half an hour a day. Since I have discovered meditation, I think that that is a great use of that half an hour. It works perfectly for me. But it could be something else: reading a book, practicing a skill, exercise, doing a puzzle. Just something that you love and that is good for you.

That last part is important, and why I personally wouldn’t count watching TV as valuable ‘me time’. It’s an indulgence I think everyone should enjoy from time to time, but ultimately it’s vegetation, and I don’t think you get as much out of it as you would with any of the other things I have mentioned.

Earlier I talked about efficiency. Well there is one area in which I think I am still very inefficient. I have an addiction, and that addiction is TV and facebook. And as I say, I don’t think spending time watching TV is very valuable. And scrolling mindlessly through facebook, getting caught up in silly quizzes and stuff definitely isn’t valuable. I don’t think it does much for my mental health. I as a person don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything, and so I wish to get rid of this addiction. And so that’s what my next challenge is gonna be all about, making the time in my life more valuable by cutting down on the things that eat my time and don’t do anything for me. More detail on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, yes I am going to keep meditating. Its doing me so much good, and I like to feel good! Again, I’m going to be cheesy here and sign off with an inspirational life quote (this is an Ellie original…)

Happiness is an art. It takes time, dedication and work. But what you get back from it is beautiful.

Have a lovely day everybody.

High On Life - It's a Real Thing

 First of all, sorry to my thousands of readers (hardy hah hah) for not posting for a while. My life has become incredibly busy lately (which I love) but it means I don’t have that much time for myself! Which, funnily enough, makes it even more important that I am, no matter what, finding half an hour a day to just sit and meditate and just concentrate on me for a bit.

In my last post I said that I thought I was starting to touch upon something in my meditation sessions. Since then I have had some amazing experiences. I’ve stuck with meditating to music as I have found it really helpful, and each day I have found the half an hour asses quicker and quicker, and I am finding it easier and easier to get ‘in the zone’. And it’s such a good way to start the day: feeling calm, relaxed and focused.

And sometimes, it’s more than that.

Now I can’t say I’ve felt like this every day, but sometimes, after a particularly ‘zen’ session – I feel utterly euphoric. Happier than I’ve ever felt before. Colours are brighter, textures are richer, the air feels great in my lungs. I feel light and bouncy and carefree. Sound familiar? There are several different kinds of drugs that can recreate this feeling – but the difference is that this is a clean euphoria. No side effects, no come down, nothing bad in your system at all. It feels like you’re having your eyes opened for the first time. And it's impossible to have a bad day when you start it like that. 

For fun I googled 'euphoria art' and found this: 

It pretty much sums up the feeling I'm trying to describe. Also I want to point out that the painter, Irene Lee, was fourteen when she did this. You win at life Irene Lee.

So through meditation I’ve really learned the meaning of the phrase ‘high on life’

Seriously, I recommend it.

Eight days left - time is flying!

Am I... doing this right?

So here are some things I have learned about meditation

First of all, this is me:

It’s hard. Like. Really hard. Harder than you would think. People who know me know I am always thinking. My brain is always ticking away. I’m an over thinker. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing. For meditation it’s a bad thing. I find it so hard to quieten my brain. But sometimes… just sometimes… something happens and it all feels clear. And if I can figure out a way to get there more often, I am going to love this.

It’s not the same every time. Each day feels different. Sometimes I find it impossible to relax and other times I slip right into it. I’m starting to learn what the best times are for me to meditate. Morning is definitely the best for me. Unfortunately yesterday I didn't get round to it in the morning, and I tried in the evening. Because I had barely slept the night before, I was just too tired. At first I thought it was great – my mind was clearing easily. But then I kept slouching down and I realized I was really just falling asleep! So yeah, morning is best for me, as long as I've had a bit of time to wake up!

I've also tried a range of slightly different methods this week. Today was a bit of a breakthrough. I discovered that music helps me. Of course, not just your average pop music. Go on YouTube and type in ‘meditation music’ and a whole range of super relaxing, zen, gongs and wind chimes stuff comes up. And you know what, it really helps me. For some reason I find it so much easier to clear my mind when I have that music running in the background. I’m not sure exactly how it works but it does.

Now this is what I THINK is the feeling I've been aiming for. Sometimes, it’s like a wave hits my whole body, and I feel slightly on the edge of reality. My body is lighter. And my mind seems clear. Now when I say ‘clear’ – I don’t mean completely blank. It’s more like it’s completely unburdened by my thoughts and worries, and my imagination can just run free. It sort of feels like that moment just before you fall asleep, when you already start dreaming.

Is this meditation? I don’t know. It’s hard to figure out what’s ‘right’ in this kind of thing. But I like it, and I tend to feel pretty good after each session, so I’m going to keep going and see what happens!

More updates soon! Twenty days to go. 

Let's Get Zen

Well I'm four days into my new challenge and I am yet to blog about it which is very naughty, but to be honest I was waiting to have something interesting to say!

My new challenge is:
                                              Meditate every day for thirty days.

We all know this guy has the right idea.

My reasons behind this challenge is that meditation is said to reduce stress and help you focus. I am now entering my third and final year of university, and less stress and more focus would definitely help me! Also, it's something I've always wanted to try and have simply never done. 

They say it takes a while for meditation to 'click'. I'm trying to track my progress day by day: so here is what the last few days have been like.

Day One

First thing I did today was meditate.

The idea is to focus on your breathing and not let any other thoughts get in the way. Today I tried visualizing a flower opening and closing with my breathing. Whenever I started thinking about other things I would try and return to the image. Strangely though, I feel that when you are visualizing something repetitive like that, you can actually visualize that and think about other things at the same time. So returning to it didn't always work. Also, I found it hard to control the image. Often the flower would start opening and closing out of rhythm with my breathing, or just stop altogether, or morph into something else. I don't really know what this means, but it was odd.

Unfortunately, just as I was starting to feel like I was getting 'in the zone' - I realized my foot had gone numb. I had been sitting cross legged on the floor and somehow cut the circulation off. Suddenly this was all I could think about and I was desperately waiting for my alarm to go off. I realized that the meditation had become pointless now so I stopped, about six minutes early.

When I opened my eyes, everything was very bright and vivid and I did feel really calm and relaxed. It was a nice sensation!

Day Two

Again, I made meditation the very first thing I did this morning. And again I sat on the floor, this time with my foot more in front of me so I wasn't putting so much pressure on it, but god damn it it went numb again! Clearly I need to find a new position. So again I finished a little early but I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it. I found it very hard to focus today, mind wandered a lot to all the things I have to do (leaving for birmingham today!) I'm finding it extremely hard to banish these intrusive thoughts. I think the imagery thing isn't quite working for me. I tried chanting a mantra in my head, which is quite a popular method, but again, like with the repetitive imagery, I found that after a while the chant became background and I was thinking again.

Day Three

I have learned two things today: 

1. Meditating in afternoon is not the same as in the morning. Morning works much better for me.  

2. Don't meditate on a full stomach. It aint comfy.

Today's session was very short. I couldn't get in the head space at all. I tried sitting on a chair instead of cross legged on the floor but I actually found it more uncomfortable on my back. For some reason I found it harder to sit upright in the chair than I do on the floor, which is a bit odd. So not a success today but I will try again tomorrow!

Day Four

Back to morning meditation. Today I sat cross legged on a pillow with my feet resting on the floor in front. Finally found a comfortable position, no numb feet!! And today I completed the full half hour - yay!

I'm starting to realize how hard meditation is. Stopping yourself from thinking about all your little tasks and worries is really difficult! Funnily enough I spend half the time thinking about what I'm going to write on this blog! However, I think today I might have found something that works for me. 

About halfway through the session I took an unwanted thought (which was in the shape of a person at this point) and I visualized walking them to a red door, letting them through and shutting it. Actually shutting them out of my brain. And it worked. Then suddenly this room was building up around the door. A room with a huge window, a sofa and a writing desk, with the red door in the corner. Every time anything/anyone would appear in the room that I didn't want there I would shut them behind the red door. Then BIZARRELY there was this little black scottish terrier dog there. I say this is bizzare because I am so much of a cat person. Not really into dogs! But he was definitely supposed to be there, curled up in my lap. I also had my juggling balls there, and played with them for a while.

I've read about people sort of creating safe spaces within their mind which they can go to when they meditate, and I'm wondering if that's what I've done. This is the first thing that has really helped me to push thoughts away and really relax. It didn't work 100% - things definitely came back through the door but then I would just put them back and shut it again. It felt good.

When the session was over I felt fantastic - relaxed and energized at the same time. So I think.... maybe.... this is starting to do something.

Twenty Six more days - let's see where my mind takes me!