Am I actually any good at this writing thing?

Well it's been a while since I have blogged - mostly because life got in the way! But I'm back and have many many many thoughts to purge onto the internet.

So here is a description of 'the creative process' that I feel is pretty accurate.

I feel like I have been going through this on a daily basis, which can feel pretty tough actually. Especially the 'I am shit' bit. I never thought I would say this, but this is without a doubt my hardest challenge yet. I thought picking up pen and paper every day and giving it a good old scribble would be easy, but it's not. In fact there have been a few days (when I've been pretty low emotionally) where I have simply refused. In comparison with my other challenges, this is the one I am failing at the most.

I thought writing regularly would be inspiring, I thought I would be getting more and more ideas each day, but sometimes it feels like I have completely run my brain dry. Seriously - where did my imagination go? It used to be non stop.

Most of what I write is more like a diary entry than anything else. It's all about me. It's usually in some kind of poetic form, but it's basically just a reflection of what I'm feeling in that moment. I suppose a lot of poetry is just that - so maybe I am being too hard on myself, but I was really hoping for some more 'outside the box' thinking by now. I am over half way through the challenge and I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting from it....

That being said, I am yet to read over my work. I could be doing that right now. A big part of me is saying 'go on - read it. reeeeeead it' and yet I can't quite bring myself to do it yet. I don't know, perhaps I am scared of reading it all and thinking it's all terrible? Yes, I am definitely scared of that.

I have realized one pretty crucial thing. When somebody gives me a project or a specification, I can deliver. I KNOW I can write and that I'm good with words, I have faith in that, but I only seem to be at my best when working to someone else's specification. As soon as someone gives me a project it's all I can think about, and I really put my all into it. When it's just for me, I really struggle to come up with or commit to my own ideas.

The question is, should I try and push through that barrier or not? Is it possible? Am I just not as good at this as I thought I was?

Hmmmm. More angst filled 'why can't I do this' blogs to follow soon. Hopefully the tide will change in the next 13 days!